Don't Read This Blog

Happy New Year!

2011-01-07T14:55:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!

Come check out the latest of our goings on at http://davisgirls.wordpress.com.

Hmmmm

2010-12-16T15:10:00.001-05:00

So, I don't think anyone is updating their blog rolls.

That's fine. I'll try not to cry myself to sleep at night.

I'll just giggle at the latest post over at davisgirls.wordpress.com to try to distract myself from my sorrow.

Takes a licking

2010-12-13T13:08:00.002-05:00

NOTE: This post won't make sense without the pictures. Which are posted here.

My understanding is that most twins start noticing each other at about four to five months of age. Now, I’m certainly not going to start with the “my girls are already playing patty cake together!” posts. Far from it. In fact, I’m fairly certain they’re not going to roll over until they’re two, given the amount of interest they’ve shown in it thus far. So this isn’t a milestone post, it’s a “what are we in for?” post.

Because Bridey found her sister this weekend. Boy howdy, did she!

J had both girls on their playmat, and Marley was happily kicking things. And Bridey? Bridey was happily licking things. Namely her sister. On the side of her head.

We knew Bridey had a penchant for trying to eat her sister. This picture? Looks innocent, right? Except Bridey’s not headed in for a sweet nuzzle. She’s trying to eat Marley’s shoulder.

In fact, we have any number of photos of Bridey trying to eat things.

All cute in her Santa hat? Yes, until she leans over and tries to take a bite out of the ball dangling at the end.

Chilling with mom on the ottoman? Yup! But check out this face…she’s going after my hand while trying to look all innocent.

So, Sunday they’re on the floor with daddy, and J starts cracking up. I head over there to find my youngest daughter LICKING the side of her sister’s head! When I pulled out the camera she got all doe-eyed and innocent, but as soon as I put it away, she started in again. Poor Marley looked like a rather confused ice cream cone.

Marlowe actually had a matted spot on the side of her head the rest of the day. I probably should have brushed it out, but where’s the fun in that?

I thought this was a cute little picture of my newborns in the hospital. Turns out Bridey was already plotting against her sister.

No one’s safe in this house. Not the bear.

And certainly not her sister.

Charlie Brown, Darth Vader and Santa's Elves

2010-12-09T16:34:00.000-05:00

We watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special the other night. Well, Marlowe hung out in my arms while Bridey snoozed away in the nursery with Nana. It wasn't exactly a Hallmark moment in the making, but it did seem like a rite of passage. Good ol' Chuck is still my favorite when it comes to badly animated and/or stop-action Christmas specials from my childhood. I'm not sure if it's the fantastic music by Vince Guaraldi or that poor little Christmas tree that Charlie takes home year after year, but it's the special I always look forward to most.

Continue reading...

Twelve Weeks

2010-12-03T15:44:00.002-05:00

Hmmm. Still haven't bookmarked the new site yet, huh?

There's more posts and pictures over there! You're missing out on all the fun!

The Davis Girls on Wordpress

We're in that weird transition time where I think it's time to quit counting the girls' age in weeks and start counting them in months. But we're still a week away from three months, so I'm going to celebrate the fact that at 7:14 and 7:15 tonight, respectively, my girls will have been outside babies for twelve entire weeks. 84 days. 2, 016 hours since my heart went from beating inside my chest to sleeping in cribs at night. (Well, the first few weeks they were actually in a Pack 'n Play at the foot of our bed. They were unceremoniously moved to the nursery due to Brigid's varied – and loud – nocturnal squawks. It's a good thing Marlowe's our sound sleeper.)

This morning I was ready to leave for work, and had already had a few hours of cuddling with a sleeping Brigid. I knew Marlowe was awake in her crib, because I had peeked in at her. About eleven times. Willing her to make enough noise to justify getting her out of the crib for a quick snuggle before I had to leave. Somehow it seemed wrong to pluck a baby contentedly chewing on her hands out of her crib just because I wanted to. But I did it anyway. And when I went in to get her, she turned her head and greeted me with a grin so huge it couldn't possibly fit on a twelve-week-old baby.

I told her if she could figure out how to say "pony" by Christmas, she could have one. That smile is going to be the end of me, I just know it.

It doesn't help that her sister has one to match.

Happy twelve weeks, my beautiful girls.

Marley Cups and B Giddy

2010-11-23T13:25:00.004-05:00

*Note: This is a repost from the new blog. If you update your blogroll to the new address at Wordpress, you can not only read this entry, you get bonus pictures!*

http://www.davisgirls.wordpress.com

Let me start this post off by saying these girls don’t have a chance in this house. Other parents have cute nicknames for their kids like “Noodle” and “Peanut”. Our girls? They get gangster names. And gangsta names.

Marlowe was the first to contract a case of the ‘cups while in the hospital. It took us a moment to realize there was in fact NOT a mouse farting in the room, but that the sounds were actually hiccups emanating from one of our children. At first they were cute. Then they went on. And on. For years. I know hiccups are common in newborns, but Marls was taking it to a new level. And since every self-respecting two-week-old needs a gangster name, we kissed her on both cheeks and dubbed her Marley Cups. I’m not going to worry too much unless Brigid wakes up with a My Little Pony head in her crib.

Then there’s her sister, B Giddy. With the sounds that come out of that child (think baby pterodactyl), I have no doubt she has a future as either a rap star or a professional glass shatterer. She can thank her Great Aunt Sinead for the “Giddy” part, and her father for putting it together P Diddy style.

By the time they’re in kindergarten they’re going to be begging us to call them Snookums in front of their friends.

Don't Read This New Blog

2010-11-19T10:54:00.004-05:00

That's it. I'm taking my babies and moving to WordPress!

The Davis Girls

The girls are here!

2010-09-20T08:38:00.001-04:00

I went in a week ago Friday (37w5d) to have my amnio done to test for lung maturity. While at the Peri's having that done, my OB called to tell me my platelets were low and to go to the hospital for testing. At my Peri's they took my blood pressure (high) and I had started spilling protein.

Three hours later I was being prepped for a C-section. I was so swollen that the anasthesiologist was having trouble finding the pocket for the spinal block. He poked me four or five times, and apparently never hit it because when they made the second incision, I could feel everything. They had to dump a general into my IV line. I still don't know what the med was, but it was awful.

The good news is the babies are perfect. Marlowe Wilson was 6 lbs. 7 oz., and Brigid Lonergan was 6 lbs. 3 oz. No NICU time for either of them, and they mostly roomed in with us at the hospital. They put me on Mag for 24 hours because my pressure was so high but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

We were there for five days, but we're now home and doing great!

Holy wow

2010-07-23T16:49:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm almost 31 weeks, my shower is tomorrow, the nursery's getting close to being done...and I have two gigantic babies in my belleh! I have no idea how this all happened???

I've neglected my blog so much I'm surprised it's still here. I expected to find the online equivalent of a malnourished orchid left to wither and die, but alas it's still here!

So, new pictures coming this week. My appointments are getting more frequent. Had my first NST (both girls passed with flying colors!), and will have one with every visit to the peri from here on out.

Baby A is still breech, although it feels like she's hanging out in a hammock across the bottom of my uterus. It seriously feels like I have a three-pound trout flopping in there when she moves around. Baby B likes to play with my belly button (J says it's because I wasn't thoughtful enough to provide them with toys to play with in utero) and spends most of her time in a transverse position across the middle of my tummy, pushing out as hard as she can. It is entertaining to see my belly pop out by as much as an inch in places when she gets going!

I know that's not much after an eight week drought, but it's Friday afternoon and I'm ready to be done! I want to take my elephant ankles home, lay on the couch and do nothing for at least three hours. Then I'll go to bed. ;-)

Better hurry up!

2010-06-09T15:54:00.002-04:00

I have an ultrasound to post, and I have to hurry because as of tomorrow I should have another picture! First of all, I can't believe that I've become so unbelievably bad about blogging that I'm going two weeks between posts. And second of all, I can't believe I'm going for ultrasounds every two weeks now!

This pregnancy is seriously flying by. Which is weird, because I mostly feel like I'm either sitting at my desk at work, lying on the couch at home, or sleeping in bed. My activities aren't quite that restricted these days, but it feels like it!

So, here are the girls. It's quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen. Baby B appears to be giving her sweet sister little smooches on her noggin. Either that, or she's whispering in her ear, "If you don't stop kicking me, I will put your bra in the freezer every single night until we leave for college!"

22 weeks, 5 days.

PIcture Friday

2010-05-14T15:20:00.005-04:00

I just don't have a lot of words lately. The babies are still munching away at my brain cells, and I mostly use the ones I have left to keep myself awake at my desk. So, here are some pictures to fill in the gaps.

The belly at 20w4d:

The reason why my belly looks like that (20w5d):

Definitely two little girls in there! Oh, and three fibroids. But my partial placental previa has corrected itself, so that's reason enough to have a little party!

Doc says everything looks good, and they're measuring right where they should be!

115 Steps

2010-05-11T16:47:00.002-04:00

From my desk at work to the bathroom. I think that's entirely too far. And I have a feeling it's only going to get worse!

I have pictures from our Orlando trip this weekend. I'll see if there's a good new belly shot in the bunch. It's definitely bigger than it was last time I posted.

We have our next appointment with the MFM on Friday. Looking forward to seeing two healthy babies again, and hoping to verify that we are, in fact, having two girls!

One belly and one question

2010-04-30T09:43:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I've gotten to almost 19 weeks and have posted exactly one belly picture. Well, what can I say? Here's another one, taken at just over 18 weeks. I still find myself holding in my abdominal muscles. I try to force myself to relax, 'cause it's obviously not doing any good, but there's just something about a big ol' belly hanging out that makes me tighten those muscles. Am I just a freak, or does this happen to other people as well?

The question part of this post comes from my husband. I am fully aware that everything I am about to type is going to make me sound insane, but he asked me very nicely to pose this issue to my faithful readers, and I promised I would.

The thing is, we have a ticklish couch. It's true. If J tickles the couch around me, it makes me squirm and giggle. We thought it was just me, but when my stepdaughter was here for her Spring Break, she reacted the same way when he tickled the couch with both of us on it. She is now trying to blame me (apparently she thinks she had a bout of sympathetic giggling??), but I'm pretty sure it's the couch.

J also tried tickling my MIL's loveseat when my stepdaughter and I were seated on it, and it didn't have the same effect. So, clearly it's our couch. Right?

Now, the part he doesn't understand is, all three of us (my stepdaughter, J and I) can tickle my actual belly (in an attempt to tickle the babies' feet, of course), and that has no affect on me whatsoever.

I believe his question is, how is this possible? How is it possible that him tickling the couch I'm sitting on makes me collapse with laughter, but him tickling my actual belly does nothing but make me smile?

I don't have an answer for him. If he doesn't believe that the couch is ticklish, I don't know what I can do to convince him.

I'm still here

2010-04-26T15:06:00.002-04:00

I know, you all probably thought I took these babies and ran away to Mexico to live on a beach somewhere. Well, I didn't. The truth of the matter is, life is just percolating along, and I haven't taken the time to write. Since we've chatted last, we've started painting the nursery, bought a couple of cribs, and started a kick-ass art project that I can't wait to share with you when it's a little closer to being done.

We've also hosted out-of-town company, watched a few good movies and a few bad movies, eaten KFC's Double Downs (yes, really) and gone to the Farmer's Market.

But none of that is what I want to talk about today. Part of the reason I feel I have so little to post about during this pregnancy is that I still haven't decided what it's like to feel pregnant. I'm hopefully halfway done (if twins can make it to at least 36 weeks, that's great!), and the fact that I'm actually, genuinely pregnant still hasn't sunk in.

And that's all due to our struggles with infertility. Nothing about getting pregnant, staying pregnant or having a child will ever be normal for us. It just won't. And that's okay, it's just making for a unique experience over here.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you know someone going through it, please read this article. If you think you might know someone going through it, please read this article. If you might ever have any reason to spend 30 seconds in an elevator with someone going through it, please read this article.

Thank you. And everyone who has, will or does struggle with infertility will thank you.

My poor husband is grossly outnumbered

2010-04-16T13:39:00.003-04:00

As of today it looks as though we are adding two little girls to our household! Combine that with me, J's teenage daughter and our girly dog, J just doesn't have a fighting chance.

We had a long anatomy scan today at 16w5d, and both babies look great. Baby A is now 6 oz. and Baby B is 5 oz. I know I'm completely biased, but they are the cutest little alien-looking thingies ever! It amazes me that the same two babies can be perfectly adorable in profile, and at the same time look like the Scream mask head-on. The technician assured me that that will correct itself before they arrive.

Fibroids are still there but not getting bigger (excellent news), and Baby A is partial previa, but the doc doesn't seem concerned at all. She's got plenty of time to move up and out of the way of the cervix.

When the technician tried to count fingers on Baby B's left hand, she decided to play patty cake just to make things difficult. I thought I was going to melt. We also watched her make sucking motions (or gossiping with her sister?). Baby A was the perfect angel this time, snuggled up to her sister.

It's official. I'm in love.

Tomorrow's the big day!

2010-04-15T16:19:00.002-04:00

Well, one more big day in a line of many big days. We're going in at 16w5d for our next ultrasound. We were assured by several people at our last appointment that we would learn the sexes of the babies at this appointment, should they choose to cooperate. Personally, I'm not holding my breath. Of course I would love to find out, but we have yet to have an ultrasound where they're both cooperating at the same time, so I'm not sure why they would start now!

Most of all I'm hoping to see two healthy little avocados in there. (Oh yeah, we're in the week where they're the size of avocados. This has been a particularly amusing week as I've been eating avocados like they're going out of style, and I feel somewhat like a cannibal!) This is the longest we've gone without seeing them, and I hate how nervous I get before each scan.

I have started feeling some little blips and flips the last couple of days, so I'm hoping I'm finally feeling movement. It's still too sporadic to tell anything from it. I know I will look back on this and laugh at myself when they're playing soccer with my bladder and rib cage in a few short weeks, but right now I'm ready to be able to feel them and differentiate them on a regular basis.

We never splurged on a home doppler, so it will just be nice to have a daily affirmation that they're both still squirming around in there! Until then, we'll enjoy our ultrasound tomorrow and our next peek into their little world!

Can it be done?

2010-04-08T09:41:00.002-04:00

I'm going to attempt to go through an entire pregnancy without setting foot in Babies 'R Us. It's not that I have anything specifically against the giant, baby megastore, I just have a vague distaste for it, and I can't even tell you why. Perhaps it reminds me of WalMart on some level – this giant monster that sucks up everyone's money.

Or perhaps it's a simple as the part of my personality that abhors being told what to do. I don't want to have to go to BRU just because that's what you do when you're having a baby.

I am lucky enough to have a Buy Buy Baby about 45 minutes away, so that will suffice as my big baby store. Cribs are coming from Ikea, and I heart Target in a way that's almost unnatural, so I think I can do this.

What do you think? Can a modern, American family actually have babies without involving BRU? I'll keep you updated on how we hold up.

Starting the nursery!

2010-04-02T11:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, I admit 15 weeks is early to be starting the nursery. But given the fact that my MFM has told me to take it easy between weeks 20-32, I'm simply not going to wait. I know I have plenty of family and friends who would be more than willing to help (and I'm sure I will have to take them up on it at some point!), but the simple truth is that I want to do as much of it as I can myself.

The wallpaper for the accent wall was delivered last weekend, which means I can now pick the paint color. Which means I can clear stuff out and start painting! I will post a "before" picture this weekend. I'm going to have to wait on fabric choices until we know what we're having, but I think what I've got planned so far can sway for any possible combination: b/b, g/g or b/g.

We shall see!

The bellah! (Both of them)

2010-03-30T14:07:00.002-04:00

J insisted that we take a "Battle of the Bellies" picture, so here we are in all our glory. Of course, I'm sucking it in and he's letting it all hang out, but you get the idea! I'm going to continue to blame my ginormous belly on the fact that the two babies are sharing space with the two fibroids. Otherwise, there's simply no excuse for me looking like this at just under 14 weeks.

I may have to go to a wide-format blog layout by the time I post my 30-week belly. Lord help us!

I'm a slackin'

2010-03-25T10:12:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I posted! It's not like we don't have anything interesting going on in our lives this week. My stepdaughter is in town for her Spring Break, and we've been having oodles of fun. She's 14, has her first boyfriend, but it's still cool to watch movies as a family and even partake of a rousing game of Pictionary Man in between texting friends (and said boyfriend).

She and I went on a date for sushi last night, as her dad had to work a little late. (Don't worry, I only ate cooked rolls.) This is where I finally learned about the boyfriend she's apparently had for a month, but was afraid to tell her dad about. I can't blame her; she's grown up being told she wasn't going to be allowed to date until she's 40.

I had my monthly doctor's appointment yesterday and got to hear Luke and Leia's heartbeats on a doppler for the first time. (We've heard them a few times on ultrasound, but this was the first time with the little stick.) I'm never going to get tired of that sound!

I'm gaining exactly a pound a week, which I've been told is spot-on for a twin pregnancy. My blood pressure was perfect, and other than my left ankle repeatedly swelling up like a balloon animal, everything's going well! Going to start with the belly pics this weekend. I promise. 'Cause there's definitely already a belly there, and I might as well share it with the Interwebs!

Tomorrow we're going to a theme park where I won't be able to ride any of the rides. And I couldn't care less!

Babies 2, Fibroids 2

2010-03-19T13:39:00.003-04:00

Well, the number of fibroids I have has caught up with the number of babies I have floating around in there. The suckers are pretty big, but the doctor doesn't seem concerned at this point, so I'm not going to worry, either.

Both Baby A and Baby B passed their NT scan with flying colors, although Baby A had us wondering if we were going to have to go back for a third time. After walking around, coughing, laughing, jumping up and down, chewing some sugary gum and drinking some cold water, "she" finally flipped for us. (Please note: I don't know whether or not aforementioned activities actually had an effect on the baby. I just didn't want to have to come in again, so I was doing everything but cartwheels in the hallway.)

They measured at 1.7 and 1.4 which is great. They want them to be under 3.0, so they were total rock stars! Both measured spot-on at 12w5d. And Baby B was a perfect angel this week, so I'm not sure what that does to my sex predictions I made last time. The good news is they told us today we should find out at our next appointment in four weeks. Although J and I honestly agree at this point; we're just hoping for "all the fingers, all the toes, and all the marbles," as a friend of ours likes to say.

Now, on to the good stuff! B's on top this week. Baby A looks a little strange 'cause "she" wouldn't stop wiggling!

Twins DO run in my family!

2010-03-17T16:06:00.003-04:00

I've been warned about all the strange, obtrusive comments one can get when you tell someone you are having twins. "Better you than me." "Are they natural?" "Did you take fertility drugs?" "Want to be the next Octomom, huh?" Honestly, I've been dreading the IF comments. If someone asks me if my twins are "real", I will probably deck them.

But the nicest surprise is that, almost without fail, the question I keep getting is, "Do twins run in your family?" Because you know what? Yes, yes they do. It's so nice to respond like a normal, fertile person when I talk about my babies. Twins run rampant all over my mom's family, on both her paternal and maternal sides. In fact, there is a chance that I had a vanishing twin. Of course, I didn't know that until about six months ago when my mom dropped the info like she was asking me if I wanted chicken salad for lunch. "Didn't I tell you that before? Huh."

So far I haven't had to discuss my ovaries with anyone. Not one little convo about endometriosis. Or diminished ovarian reserve. Not even a chit chat about uterine fibroids. And I guess I can thank the fact that I look young for my 37 years, because no one appears to be associating my advanced maternal age with a need for a reproductive assist.

Don't get me wrong; I am not ashamed of my infertility. I am proud that I am carrying two little IVF success stories, and have been very open about our process with the people I feel comfortable sharing with.

I am just grateful that the conversation hasn't come up in the produce section at Publix.

I'm sure I have plenty of time for that to happen. And the more I start showing, the more the stranger comments will start pouring in. But, at least for now, they haven't been bad. Perhaps I should use this time to come up with some witty comebacks just in case. I don't want to get arrested for punching a loose-tongued stranger in the baby section at Target.

Maternity pants and brain-eating babies

2010-03-12T14:38:00.002-05:00

So, we've decided that if the babies don't like what I have for lunch, they eat my brains in the afternoon. That's the only logical explanation we can come up with for all the missing brain cells. I am also convinced that trouble maker Baby B runs around inside my legs tickling me from the inside out. Hence the insane itching that makes me want to peel off my skin and hang it from a hook so I can really get to it with my fingernails!

As for maternity pants, I'm incredibly grateful to not have buttons or zippers digging into my oh-so-soft mommy flesh anymore, but I'm having trouble keeping some of them up at this point. And I'm honestly not sure what to do about shirts, yet. The few actual maternity shirts I have hang down to my knees (lovely look), but regular shirts are rather tight on my belly. For some reason I feel funny showing this early, so I'm still trying to hide the ever-growing bump.

Of course, I think part of the bump is the fibroid. I told J last night that with the addition of the fibroid, it's like carrying triplets. The upside is we only have to buy Christmas gifts for two of them.

And have I mentioned that I'm eternally glad it's Friday afternoon? We're donating some of the excess furniture that's currently in the den/nursery and it's being picked up tomorrow. I'm eager to get the room cleaned out so I can start on the fun stuff. Painting and wallpaper! Gawd, I love to decorate. It's been years since I've done a room from scratch, and I can't wait.

Pictures!

2010-03-09T09:29:00.004-05:00

Well, the babies were a day shy of being old enough to have the NT scan done yesterday, but we still got a nice, long look at each of them. Baby A was nice and cooperative (I'm sure that means she's a girl) and Baby B was rambunctious and doing somersaults through most of the scan (so of course the difficult one is a boy). We've got four arms, four legs and two very strong heartbeats.

Oh, and apparently I've sprouted a new fibroid as well. The good news is the doc says that it's very rare that fibroids actually create an issue for the babies. It may be less than fun for me to have a third, uninvited guest at the uterine party, but honestly I couldn't care less. As long as these babies are healthy, that's all that matters.

So, enough blather and on to the good stuff! Baby B was so busy doing acrobatics the ultrasound tech couldn't get a good shot of them together. So, here are their first individual class pictures!

No more needles!

2010-03-05T10:44:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm sure there will be any number of blood draws during the rest of this pregnancy, but I'm no longer a human pin cushion! Yesterday was my first needle-free day since Christmas Day. Hopefully it won't take long for the bumps and bruises to disappear from my tushie, and I can revel in the fact that the only medication I'm on at this point is prenatal vitamins!!!

Don't get me wrong, every stick was well worth it, and J didn't seem to mind getting to "poke me in the butt" on a nightly basis, but I'm seriously happy to put those giant needles to the side.

NT scan on Monday. We should have fun, new pictures next week!

New day, new doc

2010-03-01T13:32:00.002-05:00

I had an appointment with my new OB/GYN on Friday. Loved him! On a completely un-baby-related note, he's only 41 years old. Which is only four years older than I am. I've had various scenarios make me feel old in the past, but realizing that the person you're entrusting your medical care to is basically the same age as you is somewhat disconcerting.

Anyway, I honestly think he's as excited we're having twins as we are. He literally told me we'd skip the blood work and save it till next visit because he wanted to see the babies! I had specifically asked if I would get an ultrasound at the first visit, and was told it would be medical history, pee in a cup, blood work...typical boring first visit. Not with Dr. B! So, I got to see two adorable little sacs in "bunk bed position", with two strong heartbeats.

Dr. B has all his multiple patients see an MFM as well, which I'm happy about. So, I'll be seeing Dr. P in a few weeks for my NT scan, and will continue to see him throughout the pregnancy.

Dr. B's old-school. We started off the appointment in his office, not in an exam room. And he actually attends all his patients' deliveries, unless he's out of town. No sharing duties with the other doctors in the practice!

So far, so good. So far, very good!

I'm normal

2010-02-22T15:31:00.003-05:00

Well, I know that's a matter of opinion, but I'm now a normal OB/GYN patient. On Friday I will have a plain, old Dr's appointment. I'll give my medical history, let them draw some blood. But there won't be a dildo cam in sight! Nope, just a normal, first OB appointment.

When the nurse told me they would draw blood to confirm the pregnancy, I thought about offering to bring her in my pretty little ultrasound picture, but didn't want her to think I was sassy. At least not yet. There's plenty of time for them to get to know me before September!

I can't believe I'm almost nine weeks already. J and I are talking about the NT scan. I think we're both on the same page, but I'm interested to see what my new doc thinks about it as well. In a singleton pregnancy, it would be a no-brainer. But my understanding in multiple pregnancies is that the blood work portion of the screening really isn't accurate, so I don't know if it's worth going through with any of the testing.

We'll see.

I thought I would feel different

2010-02-18T15:31:00.002-05:00

Honestly, if it weren't for the pee sticks (and the beta tests. Oh, and those ultrasound thingys), I wouldn't believe you if you told me I was pregnant. Since I know, there are some other clues (falling asleep on the couch every evening, an increased appetite), but I honestly don't feel any different.

I think I'm still in the unicorn stage. I mean, I'm looking at car seats and strollers online, and I'm reading all the books with the cute little babies on the covers, but that doesn't mean I actually believe there are going to be little people living in our house with us by the end of the year.

I know other women experience this. Perhaps when I can feel them move? Will it seem more real then? Or will I be sitting in my living room in October trying to figure out where the crying's coming from, and why it's happening in my house?

Did it take too long for this to happen for it to ever feel normal?

They grow up so fast

2010-02-15T09:41:00.004-05:00

It seems like just yesterday that we nervously put two little blastocysts back in, hoping against hope that one of them would stick. Well, almost five weeks later, it looks like both Luke and Leia are planning on sticking around for a while! (J and I are both huge Star Wars geeks. These are, however, in utero nicknames only!)

They both measured 7w5d this morning, both with strong heartbeats. According to the doc, they're both exactly where they need to be, doing exactly what they need to be doing. And we've been officially released from the RE back to a regular ol' OB/GYN!

I don't know what to write about

2010-02-08T14:37:00.002-05:00

My life has revolved around IF for so long, I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself. Only one shot a day? No doctor's visits for two weeks? Strange.

As J was giving me my PIO shot last night, I told him it was going to be odd once we were done with those, and I'm down to my prenatals. The beginning of this pregnancy was so involved, with so many meds, injections, orals, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, blood work...it seemed like a never-ending medical bonanza. It seems incredibly strange that now that we're pregnant, we're left to our own devices with (comparably) little to no medical intervention.

So, here I sit. Feeling both incredibly normal and bizarrely surreal at the same time. I don't suppose it gets any easier, huh?

Did you know?

2010-02-03T13:20:00.004-05:00

That you can have furniture delivered
at midnight? We bought some new things for our family room on Sunday and when asked to pick a delivery window, 5pm to midnight actually sounded like the best option at the time. Neither of us would have to miss work. And what were the odds that they would actually come that late?

Apparently pretty good. Last night at 11:22 the delivery dudes showed up with our new entertainment center, couch and chair. (J's snazzy new leather recliner won't be in until the 13th. I promise I'll take pictures after it does.)

So, I missed out on the best part of getting new furniture. You know, the futzing with everything until it's just right, filling up the new drawers and shelves, decorating. Decorating! I love to decorate.

I guess the upside of crashing into bed as soon as the delivery truck pulled away is that all the electronics will be nicely wired when I get home tonight. (I'm sure there will be another whole post on the new universal remote J just bought. The only thing I find universal about those monsters is their ability to completely frustrate me.)

The new TV we got to go in the new entertainment center is way too big for the room, but neither of us care. It's like having our very own little drive in movie theater! Except we don't have to drive. And it's a shorter walk to the restroom.

Of course I have a Habitat for Humanity meeting after work, so that will delay me getting to play with my new "toys" another hour and a half, but that's okay. I'm sure it will be worth the wait!

Does it come in a maternity size?

2010-02-01T15:46:00.001-05:00

Apparently I'm going to need this shirt. 5w6d, two sacs, two heartbeats. It doesn't get any better than this.

Not wine

2010-01-27T11:01:00.004-05:00

Minute Maid Pomegranate Blueberry blend. I've been drinking this in the evenings out of my favorite stemless wine glasses. It's the right color at least! And it has pomegranate juice and DHA, so it's much healthier than a glass of Shiraz. Not quite as much fun, but definitely a little more exciting than yet another glass of ice water.

Plus, I love their commercials. The one with the dude on the escalator? "Aren't you the father of one of my children?" I die a little bit laughing every time that one comes one. And bunny CPR with the static electricity that comes from rubbing a balloon on your head? That's pure advertising genius.

This is one case where I will buy the product solely because I love their ads. Oh, and J is in full agreement. I believe he will tell you the pomegranate tea blend is the bomb. I never thought I'd see my husband excited about juice.

Good job, Minute Maid!

2317

2010-01-25T08:33:00.002-05:00

The number's going up! It appears to be doubling every 43 hours at this point, which means we've got a little overachiever in there! (Or overachievers, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And apparently we'll get to that bridge next Monday at our first ultrasound.)

We opened a show at J's theater Friday night. I did the set design for this one, which means I had to be at tech rehearsals last week with him. Which meant our dog spent a lot of time at home alone and J and I hardly had a meaningful conversation all week.

So, we celebrated getting the show up by staying in bed all day Saturday and watching True Blood Season 1. Gotta love the vampires!

All in all, it was a great weekend. Now I'm off to research how soon you can see a heartbeat on ultrasound, because between my husband, my parents and my MIL, I'm not sure how long I can keep them from telling everyone in the free world that we're knocked up.

Holy crap. We're knocked up!

What's your favorite number?

2010-01-20T15:17:00.002-05:00

For a long time, my favorite/lucky numbers have been four and 42. I don't know why, they just are.

When I met J, we realized we have a lucky number together. It's 31. There are reasons behind it, but that's not the point of this post.

A couple of weeks ago, seven became popular in our household. That was the number of eggs the RE retrieved.

The next day it became five. That was the number of eggs that fertilized.

Then I was back to four. The number of embryos that were thriving.

Then two. That's how many we put back.

What's my favorite number today?
496.
Our first beta at 11dp6dt.

I guess the big question now is whether our new favorite number will be one or two!

Thank you all for your support through these whole IVF shennanigans. When I said I was trading one kind of roller coaster for another, I had NO IDEA how true that would be!

The week for awards!

2010-01-18T16:49:00.002-05:00

Thanks to bbjoys and LOVEDBYD for this one!

The rules:

List 10 things that make you happy.

Pass it on to 10 bloggers that make your day a better one!

1. The way the air smells right before it rains.
2. The way my husband looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking.
3. The way my pupper dog greets me every time I come home to her.
4. A pot full of chili on the stove.
5. The feel of bare feet in the sand.
6. The feel of bare feet in the grass.
7. Hugs.
8. Clean sheets.
9. A new book.
10. Two lines on a little plastic test.

I could list a bajillion women who impact my life every day. I'm going to add a random ten from my favorites so as to be impartial!

1. Growing up Petzold
2. gringa78's blog
3. Lets Make A Baby, How Hard Could It Be...?
4. A Bella Dream
5. The Holcombs Hideaway
6. Cookin' a Goonie
7. mrsh
8. The things in my life...
9. Ro is me!
10. Baking BabyLovf

Would you look at that?

2010-01-17T09:16:00.002-05:00

There's a unicorn in my backyard.

2010-01-14T14:27:00.002-05:00

Thanks, Lyse! Apparently I'm blunt enough in my blog postings to warrant an award for honestly. I'll take that as a compliment, since I still struggle every time I post with just how much information I'm willing to put out here on the world wide webz. Check out Lyse's blog. She's cute, sassy, and has two of the most gorgeous dogs you'll ever set eyes on.

So, now I have to tell you ten honest things about myself. That shouldn't be too difficult, given the level of information we've been trading around here lately.

1. I peed on an OPK at 4:30 this morning. I don't know why. I couldn't sleep, and was laying there thinking about how I really should have tested out my trigger shot, and thought it would be beneficial to go pee on something. Well, all I have are a few OPKs, so I peed on one of those. And got a very faint line, which tells me absolutely nothing.

2. I still haven't put away all of my Christmas decorations. They're all down, but my guest room looks like the holiday clearance aisle at Marshall's.

3. I frequently put off peeing at work. I know it's not good for my bladder to be forced to hold it. It's just such a long walk to the bathroom that I try to put it off as long as possible sometimes.

4. A lot of my posts lately have been about my bladder. I apologize for that, and will make an honest effort to focus on other, more attractive parts of my anatomy from now on.

5. How's this? I like my ankles. I think they're the only part of my body that's always skinny, no matter how much I weigh.

6. I need to paint the fence outside our house. It's only one, short section, and I've been finding reasons not to do it for at least five months now. That's just ridiculous, I have the supplies and everything. Maybe Sunday.

7. I'm a deplorable housekeeper. I really try to keep on top of things, but I don't. Then it reaches the point where I can't stand it anymore, and I get it all looking nice, and it immediately starts to degenerate again. Vicious cycle.

8. I miss having a glass or two of wine when I get home from work. It's not the alcohol that I miss so much, it's the sitting down and unwinding with my husband, chatting about our days. I know, we could still do that with another beverage, but it's just not the same.

9. I don't think this IVF cycle worked, and I'm not sure when I'm going to be ready to try again. I'm fairly certain I don't want to turn around and cycle again immediately. And I'm not sure why I feel that way.

10. I contemplated skipping #7 and moving right along to #8, hoping no one would notice. But then I realized that would be really sad in a post devoted to honesty. So, they're all there. You can go back and count.

Reality check

2010-01-13T14:13:00.002-05:00

So, I had my progesterone checked this morning, and it's too low. It should be over 15 on a medicated cycle, and I'm at 10.5. There are some technical reasons why this may be okay (PIO injections vs. Endometrin), but what it boils down to is -- it's a reality check.

The nurse is telling me not to worry, some girls I know who have gone through this are telling me not to worry, but I reserve the right to worry all I want to. There are plenty of studies online that show that an early low progesterone level can indicate no pregnancy at all, or one that isn't going to be viable.

Honestly, this has been going entirely too smoothly, and it's not bad to get a little slap to bring me back to the here and now. After all, we had a 40% chance going in to this. It would be a freakin' miracle for this to work on the first try.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up hope, I'm just reminded that sometimes all the hope and positivity in the world can't change an outcome.

I also learned yesterday that our two other blastocysts did not make it to freeze, so if we do this again, it will have to be another fresh cycle.

For such a short 2ww, it's now feeling like an eternity.

One for the baby book

2010-01-12T11:37:00.003-05:00

So, should this process actually work, we have the first picture for the baby book! I would like to introduce you to blastocysts 4BB and 3BB, the cutest little things I think I've ever seen.

For those of you who were worried about me, my bladder ended up not being a problem during the transfer. Mainly because I was too busy having a migraine to worry about whether or not I had to pee. Fortunately, the valium kicked in just in time so it never went full blown (meaning I wasn't puking like I was from the one I got on Saturday), but it was still less than pleasant.

Oh, and I love my RE. I had a one in five chance of him actually doing my transfer (all the docs in the practice rotate), but of course he was there when we got there. He's such a fun mix of scary smart, crazy good, slightly arrogant and at the same time goofy as all hell. As I'm getting strapped into the stirrups, he walks out of the OR telling J and me that he has to go pee or he won't be able to concentrate. Um, okay? Good thing I wasn't obsessing about my own bladder at that point, or I might have been upset with him flaunting his ability to urinate at will!

The transfer went smoothly, and now we wait. One upside to having a six-day transfer is my two week wait has gotten noticeably shorter. So, beta on 1/20. A week from tomorrow.

Wow.

And still waiting

2010-01-10T09:49:00.002-05:00

I thought I would be in the process of having my transfer right about now, but the nurse called ten minutes before we left the house and told us we were moving to a six-day transfer.

I've spent the last hour Googling, and am choosing to believe the nurse when she said this isn't a bad thing. At least we've got four embryos in early blastocyst stage. That's a good thing. I'm going to hold on to that and not worry about egg quality or why all four of them are a day behind where they'd like them to be.

At least this way I'll be able to take down the Christmas tree today.

That should keep me busy for at least half an hour or so. Sigh.

Can't sleep

2010-01-08T15:08:00.002-05:00

I keep waking up between 2:30 and 3:30 in the morning. And once I'm awake, I'm thinking. How are the embies doing? Is this going to work? What if it doesn't work? Will there be any to freeze? How on earth am I going to go through the transfer with a full bladder?

This last one is the one that's really getting me. I've had two surgical procedures in the last six months, and the worst part is my bladder. This summer during pre-op I was hooked up to an IV wearing nothing but a hospital gown and made my way to the bathroom about five times in an hour, pulling my little tower behind me. You see, I not only have a nervous bladder, I have a weak bladder. Thank you, endometriosis.

Waiting for my egg retrieval on Tuesday (again hooked up to an IV and wearing only slightly more than nothing), I felt like I had to pee constantly. Two minutes after getting back in bed, my bladder was telling me I had to go again. Now, I hadn't had any liquids since midnight the night before, so I didn't actually have to go. But you try to tell my bladder that!

So, Sunday I'm supposed to have a full bladder for the procedure. I'm honestly more worried about that than the entire rest of the process.

For now, I guess I'll continue waking up in the middle of the night to think. And pee.

Apparently we have rock stars!

2010-01-07T15:14:00.002-05:00

As of this morning, all of our embryos are looking so good they're telling us to anticipate a five-day transfer. Of course, they could always call tomorrow morning and tell us to get in there pronto for a three-day, but as of now they're doing so well they want to let them continue to grow so they can transfer the best of the best.

I've done entirely too much reading on three-day vs. five-day transfers today, but most of what I've found is encouraging. Basically the thought process is that if the embies can make it to the blastocyst stage (which usually occurs on day five in a natural pregnancy), they are genetically normal enough to produce a pregnancy. There also seems to be evidence that blastocysts are more likely to implant, because day five is usually when the embryo arrives naturally in the uterus. Prior to that, the embryo is normally still in the fallopian tube.

There's always the chance that they won't make it to the blast stage, but according to everything I'm reading that means they wouldn't have been viable had we transferred them on day three, anyway.

So, more waiting. And wondering. I can't imagine what this two week wait is going to be like. I can't concentrate on anything right now and there's nothing in my uterus! Well, I'm focused very clearly on what those five little dudes are doing hanging out in the lab. But that's not getting my work done, I'm afraid.

Two hours left in the work day. I wonder if I can cram five hours worth of work in before I go home?

Not a bad report card

2010-01-06T09:12:00.002-05:00

So, they got seven eggs yesterday, which is twice what the doctor thought they would get. Of course I was ecstatic, but also worried about how many of them would be mature, and whether or not the quality would be good enough to fertilize. After all, I was expected to be a poor responder, so I prepared for them to tell me my eggs were all ugly and dusty.

Well, I just got a call from the nurse and of the seven retrieved, six were mature and five fertilized! Right now we're looking at a three-day transfer, which would be Friday. If four or more of our little zygotes turn out to be rock stars, they will look at a five-day transfer. Personally I think that may be a little too much to hope for, but this whole process has been blowing me away each step along the way.

Holy cow. Right now in a lab in Florida, there are little bitty things that are technically, biologically, mine and my husbands. Together. No matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, it doesn't get any better than that today.

Holy Guacamole

2010-01-03T18:48:00.003-05:00

Apparently I'm triggering tonight! I honestly can't believe this process has gone so smoothly, considering all the roadblocks we've had this summer. No crazy mood swings, no bloating, nothing but a slightly sore tummy from the pincushion action over the last week and a half. My numbers seem good, and it's totally freaking me out that I am going to (hopefully) have some embies floating around in there in less than a week.

Retrieval is Tuesday morning, so I'm breaking in the new year by cashing in at least one sick day my first week back. That's what they're there for, right? At least the cool boss is understanding. The one who's actually in control? Not so much, but I'm rarely on his radar, so hopefully this whole process will go without him noticing.

I'm excited to only have to do one shot tonight. Granted, it's a fair size needle going into my bum, but it's better than three a day! Now I just have to hope those eggs aren't too dusty and will be in good shape for fertilization. If you're only as old as you feel, I figure my eggs can't be more than 29.

It appears as though this is really happening. This is way better than the roller coasters at Universal!

New Year at the RE

2010-01-01T15:23:00.002-05:00

Well, since we had so much fun spending Christmas morning at the RE's office, I thought I'd start 2010 off right with another 7:15 appointment today. I did manage to watch the ball drop last night, but then dragged my happy butt off to bed thanks to an alarm set for 6 a.m.

I'm on day eight of stimming, and I suppose it's going as well as can be expected. My biggest follie is up to 16mm, and there appear to be seven total. My RE's ultrasound techs vary in their chattiness, and I couldn't get details out of the one this morning. (Although she was plenty talkative about my inability to empty my bladder. I tried, hun. Really I did. It's not like I'd do anything to intentionally cause you to spend more time up there with your little friend.) Anyway, hopefully the four smaller follies are catching up with the leaders.

My meds have been upped for the next few days, and I go back on Sunday morning. Fingers crossed that everything keeps going the way it has been and I'll be having my egg retrieval early next week!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T09:46:00.003-05:00

What are you doing Christmas morning? Me, I have an early morning date with a dildo cam. The good news is this means the stimming phase of my IVF cycle will take place over my Christmas break, which is nice. The bad news is that means my retrieval and transfer will most likely take place the first week of January. Nothing like using up those fresh, shiny new sick days in the first week of the year! Oh, well. That's what they're there for, right?

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I wish everyone health and happiness in 2010.

This whole thing is surreal

2009-12-23T14:51:00.002-05:00

So, if I'm doing the math correctly, I could be pregnant in three weeks. Pregnant. In three weeks. I have to tell you, after trying for so long, that sounds about as realistic as saying, "I'm going to fly to Mars in three weeks."

For so many months (years), I was mentally prepared to get knocked up any given month. Calculating due dates, imagining what events would pass during my pregnancy, decorating the nursery a few times (eighty or so) in my head. Eventually that all faded away. Who was I to imagine a due date? What on earth would I do with one of those? And don't even get me started on the adorable Hawaiian baby quilts I was coveting. They're entirely too expensive to buy for the dog, so there's no reason for me to drool over them.

Now that science has taken over, the thought that I could actually be knocked up in a few weeks is kind of freaking me out. Not in a, "I changed my mind about getting pregnant" kind of way. Not at all. But actually having a child has taken on such mythical proportions in my head, it's overwhelming.

I know women turn up pregnant every day. Believe me, I see evidence of this everywhere I turn. But not me. You see, me turning up pregnant at this point would feel approximately the same as being told I now have a unicorn in my back yard. Weird, right?

I don't think I'm even nervous about this IVF cycle at this point. After all, trips to Mars don't happen, right? If this thing does actually work, one of you is gonna have to show up with a shovel to pick me up off the ground. Or just leave me there with the unicorn. That'll work, too.

One down, eleventy billion to go!

2009-12-22T14:03:00.002-05:00

So, I survived my first injection. Of course. It wasn't bad, although the area around it did get red and itchy. It went away after an hour or so, so I figured it wasn't worth calling the doctor about. (Irritation at injection site is something to watch out for, but it's not like I broke out in hives all over or anything.)

Then I made a mistake. I googled some videos on administering injections, how to mix Menopur, you know, fun things like that, and I made the mistake of watching a video of someone giving themselves a PIO shot. (Progesterone in Oil). Holy cow, that's a big needle. Fortunately I don't have to start that one for a while, so I'm going to try to block the memory of that video out and be proud of my ability to handle the little needles for now!

In other news, I have officially finished my Christmas shopping and have the turkey in the fridge. Short of wrapping a few more presents and cleaning up a little around the house, I do believe we are ready to host our second major holiday in under a month! This one will be for a much smaller crowd, though, so I think we'll survive.

'Tis the season!

First shot tomorrow

2009-12-21T10:42:00.002-05:00

I'm sure it won't be any big deal, and this time tomorrow I'll be posting about how easy it was.

I mean, this one's prefilled and everything. No mixing, no plunging, no measuring. Just pinch an inch and stab it in!

I'll still be glad when it's over. And I'm not even afraid of needles. I don't know how women who have that very valid fear survive IVF. My hat's off to them!

Parenting fail

2009-12-18T08:41:00.004-05:00

So, I'm driving to work this morning, and I see this poor little dude riding his bike to elementary school. Frantically. Pedaling his little heart out. And in addition to his gigantor backpack, he's got a full-size piece of poster board clutched in his right hand. It's waving all over the place, and it looked like he was going to lose it at any moment. Now, the colored side was facing away from the road, so I couldn't tell exactly which class it was for, but it was obviously an end-of-term project he was taking to school.

I'm sure you're thinking, "What's the big deal, Flojat? Kids have to ride their bikes to school all the time!" Except in Florida right now? It's pouring down rain. Has been since yesterday. Flash flood warnings, the whole nine yards.

Now, my first thought was, "Why didn't a parent drive him to school today with his project?" Then I realized that there could be some very valid reasons why that wasn't possible. Maybe baby brother was sick. Maybe dad had an important meeting early this morning and is trying desperately to hold on to his job. So, I get it. There could be a very good reason why this little dude had to ride his bike to school in the rain.

What I don't understand is why a responsible adult in his household didn't roll up his poster board project, throw a rubber band around it, and drop it into a plastic garbage bag to protect it? That couldn't take more than two minutes or so, huh? And if they had really wanted to go hog wild, they could have taken another thirty seconds and fashioned a little strap for it out of duct tape so he could sling it over his shoulder and steer his bike safely.

In another lifetime -- when adults could be helpful instead of instigating STRANGER DANGER!!!! at the slightest bit of eye contact -- I would have picked him up, thrown his bike in the back and delivered him to the front door of his school. Today, I had to drive right by him and could do nothing more than avoid splashing him with a puddle.

I hope he has a good, understanding teacher. I hope he gets an A on that soggy, smeary project he's going to have to turn in this morning. And if I'm lucky enough to have one, I hope I'm never to busy to help out my little dude.

It's on!

2009-12-15T14:25:00.001-05:00

My first estrogen patch, that is! We're officially in IVF cycle #1. If I'm doing the math right, stims should start some time during Christmas week, and ER and ET could be as soon as the first week of January!

I wonder if I can hold my breath until then.

Winning the lottery

2009-12-14T11:05:00.003-05:00

I've been bouncing back and forth between being really excited about our chances with IVF and being dismally, completely, not optimistic at all. 40% chance of success. That number sounds so low compared to what other women I know get. In fact, the more I think about that stupid number, the worse it sounds.

Then the other night, J and I had a little pow wow.

As we were sitting there chit chatting about our days and the upcoming cycle (and joking about the oh-so-fancy sharps container that is sitting on our buffet in the dining room, just waiting for empty needles), I told J, "You know what? If someone offered to sell me a lottery ticket for $17,000 and told me I had a 40% chance of winning 30 million dollars, I think I'd be all over that."

He looked me in the eye and said, "And having a baby is worth so much more than 30 million dollars. It's priceless."

So, I think we're currently in the glass-is-half-full camp. God bless my husband.

Our poor little tree

2009-12-11T11:34:00.002-05:00

So, we're not doing a real tree this year because my parents are coming to us to celebrate, and my mom's insanely allergic to evergreen trees. We decided it would be more fun to have her be able to actually be IN the house, so J brought home an artificial tree from the theater.

Of course, once he got it home we realized it's the tree WE donated to the theater several years ago when we started getting live trees. Circle of life? Circle of plastic and fake pinecones? Something like that.

So, we've got Barbie up, and she's pre-lit, so she's already got her lights glowing. (What? You don't name your trees? I normally name them something really cool like 'Bob', but J dubbed this one Barbie 'cause she's pretending to be a real tree, but still looks fake. I threatened to smush in some of her middle branches to give her a more hourglass shape, but J didn't seem to think that was such a good idea.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. She's up, and she's lit, but she's mostly naked. At this point her only decorations are a small decorative pumpkin left over from Thanksgiving (my contribution) and a Ravens baseball cap for a tree topper (J's contribution.)

We can't decorate this weekend, so she's gonna stay like that until at least Monday.

Poor Barbie! At least it's marginally better than spending the holidays stuffed in a box in the basement of the theater.

Today's the day

2009-12-08T08:50:00.002-05:00

I officially start OPKs tonight, and once I get a positive we will base the start of my IVF meds off of that date. And speaking of the meds, they should arrive at my office today. The charge was so high that my bank put a block on my debit card yesterday and I got a nice little phone call from the fraud department. No, this is not part of my normal spending pattern. Yes, it is a valid charge.

Yikes.

Here we go!

I hate my phone

2009-12-04T15:53:00.003-05:00

I took a really funny picture on my way to work today (I know, it's bad to use one's phone while driving. I promise I won't do it again. Often.)

But the camera on my phone is so bad that the picture didn't turn out. I mean, really didn't turn out. Here, I'll show you.

See? I told you so. And even though it looks like I was driving at a safe distance behind this van, I was actually dangerously close to his bumper. Not only does my phone suck, it has the ability to warp spacial relationships.

Anyway, the reason I was taking this picture was specifically to share it with you, sportsfans. I know you can't read it, but scrawled all over the back of this white van was really sloppy black spray paint that read, "Grupo imaginacion." Now, I know my Spanish is rusty, but I believe that roughly translates to "The Imagination Group". (Gringa, help a girl out if I'm wrong.)

Oh, and there was a completely illegible phone number spray painted on there, too. I don't know, it just made me giggle. I give them bonus points for effort, but somehow I'm thinking that I'm not going to hire a couple of guys with bad handwriting and a penchant for self-graffiti for their imaginative skills. Maybe that's just me.

Or maybe I'm translating it incorrectly, and it means something closer to, "The Resourceful Group." For that, I might give them a call. Or I would, if I could read their phone number.

Where did that come from?

2009-12-03T15:33:00.002-05:00

Someone on a public forum just asked the question (after trying for six cycles to get pregnant), "How do you keep the hope?"

Before I knew it, my fingers were typing something and this is what came out:

Here's the deal. Whether it takes one month or eleven, a simple roll in the hay or invasive medical procedures, most women who want to will get to be a mother eventually.

Personally, I try to remind myself that I would like there to be some of "me" left by the time I get there. If I'm only about TTC, or my infertility, and I let my other interests and relationships die, who will be left to be a mother if and when that time comes?

It's easier said than done, but you have to remain yourself and not let this process take over your life. It is but one aspect of who you are.

***

I don't know where that came from, but I'm glad it did. As soon as I typed it I realized that I needed to hear that exact message.

And I'm glad I'm going to be busy being me this weekend. It's nice to feel normal again.

Roller coasters

2009-12-01T13:55:00.003-05:00

Well, today we start the roller coaster that is IVF#1. Had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done this morning; lots of antral follicles, and I should get my blood work results in an hour or so. All my meds have been ordered, but I still don't know how to give myself a shot. I'm sure we'll figure it out!

So, to celebrate, the husband and I have decided to go to Orlando this weekend to ride some less metaphorical roller coasters. It's been ages since we've done this, and we thought one last hurrah was in order before we get knee deep in syringes and out-of-control hormones.

Every time we've gone to Orlando over the last three years I've thought to myself, "I wonder if this is the last time I get to go before I get knocked up?" Well, this time I'm really, really, really hoping these are the last of my roller coasters for a while. Both kinds -- the ones where your body and your heart need seat belts.

I'm ready to get on that ride that involves dirty diapers, new baby smell and a beautiful little life to call our own.

I guess Mary was busy

2009-11-30T10:01:00.002-05:00

Well, the Hail Mary cycle is officially a bust, so I'm off to my first official IVF appointment in the morning. I won't say I'm not extremely disappointed, but at least I was still in active step-mommy mode when we found out, so I was too busy to wallow in a self-indulgent pity party.

I only hope that if we're lucky enough to have a kid together, we get one that's half as amazing as my step-daughter. At almost fourteen, she's still so respectful, fun and helpful. It was truly a delight to have her for the week, and we already miss her desperately.

Already looking forward to Thanksgiving next year! If all goes well with the IVF stuff, it could be a challenge to host a house full with a newborn. But you know what? That's one challenge I'm more than happy to take on.

Thanksgiving starts tomorrow!

2009-11-20T16:21:00.003-05:00

Well, my stepdaughter gets here tomorrow evening, which is the beginning of the Thanksgiving Season in our home. It's been a full year since we've had her for a week's visit in Florida. Entirely too long. The reasons why would completely fill another blog, but let me just say that I will be really happy when the Family Court of a certain midwestern state hears our case and fixes our visitation problems.

We will have a house full of family most of the week, and a huge gathering of family and friends for food and fun on Thursday. Unfortunately, I have to work on Friday. It's the weirdest thing. Our agency owner doesn't give us the day off, but we usually get let go around noon. However, we may have to stay till three or four. We literally don't know until the HR person comes and tells us to go home.

I think the idea is we will opt to take a vacation day, which means we're not getting an extra day off with pay. Thing is, I can't justify losing a day's pay (or burning a vacay day) for what usually amounts to a half day's work.

Sigh. So, once again I will pry myself out of the house on Friday morning while everyone else sleeps in and then enjoys a big breakfast together. The joys of being a modern woman!

What about you? Do you get Thursday off? Friday? How's your Turkey Day shaping up this year?

I guess I should shut my trap and just be thankful I don't work in retail!

The Hail Mary Cycle is in effect

2009-11-17T13:49:00.003-05:00

One last try at this the old fashioned way, then on to IVF in a few weeks. It's been so long since I've been in a 2ww, I think I forgot what it felt like!

On a completely unrelated note, did you know that people line up in front of Sam's Club before it opens like they're waiting to get on the newest ride at Disney World? I accidentally showed up 15 minutes before they opened on Sunday and sat my happy butt on a shady bench to wait. I proceeded to watch no fewer than 50 (fifty!) people show up, grab a cart and get in line outside the door.

I've never seen anything like it. Now I know why I don't go shopping on Black Friday.

Random Friday the 13th

2009-11-13T16:10:00.003-05:00

I bet there are a bunch of little babies out there coming into the world today. What would it be like to be born on Friday the 13th? I mean, being born on the 13th of any month means you're going to have a considerable number of birthdays falling on a Friday. It wouldn't bother me, I don't think, but did you know (according to Wikipedia, which of course is all-knowing and always right) that an estimated 17 to 21 million people in the U.S. are affected by a fear of this day? For some it's so bad they won't even get out of bed.

And I thought my phobia of spiders was bad!

On the road to IVF

2009-11-10T15:06:00.002-05:00

We had our IVF consult this morning. It went really well; the sticker shock has definitely set in, but it wasn't as bad as we thought it might be. Granted, we could be driving around in a nice, expensive two-seater convertible for what this is gonna cost us, but I'd rather be in our regular ol' cars with baby seats strapped in the back.

I have a protocol in hand, but we're verifying that it's the correct one before I spend a lot of time researching it. Basically, the Dr. ordered this protocol based on my bad set of numbers, not the newer, happier set. I want to make sure it's not too aggressive a protocol. I mean, we want one baby – not eight!

I am so grateful for the online communities and friends I have found during this process. It was so nice to be able to sit there and understand everything I was told without having to ask a million questions. Yes, you can show me how to give myself a shot in my stomach. No, you don't have to explain ICSI or assisted hatching.

My favorite part of the appointment was when the IVF nurse handed me this really cheesy presentation with goofy graphics that explains the IVF process. (No, seriously. There was a graphic of a Dr. up on a stepladder holding up a ginormous telescope, looking at an egg in a petrie dish. Really?) She told me we should look through the presentation before we read the technical "novel" they give out on IVF. I pulled out my own copy of the novel that I was given six weeks ago and said, "This novel? Yeah, I've already read it. But aren't these little pictures fun!"

So, we're on our own for this cycle, then will start suppression next cycle. If all goes well, we should be doing our egg retrieval and transfer near the end of the year. This would actually work out well, as I've completely exhausted my vacation and sick days this year. January 1 I get five whole more sick days to blow! Let's hope at least a couple of them are spent sitting around letting an embie or two burrow in for the long haul.

I think I actually have good news!

2009-11-04T15:36:00.002-05:00

I'm trying not to get too excited, but it appears I may have beaten the very slim odds my doctor gave me and there's a chance my body is actually rebounding after my surgery.

Let's see, last time I had a doctor's appointment?
1. No antral follicles. (For reference, these are necessary for IVF and an indication of ovarian reserve.)
2. Estrogen level? Off the chart high. (Not a good thing.)
3. FSH level? Unnaturally suppressed by aforementioned estrogen level, so it was useless.
Verdict? Donor egg IVF; no bio child for me, at least.

Today????
1. Antral follicles. On both ovaries. I don't know how many, but the technician saw them immediately, which is great.
2. Estrogen level? 56.9 which is NORMAL. I haven't had a "normal" anything related to TTC in months!
3. FSH level? 10.1 (They like to see this below 10, but what's a .1 between friends?!)
Verdict? IVF with my eggs and J's swimmers may still be a possibility!

I have been told to schedule an IVF consult. I honestly can't believe this is happening. Apparently it may be time to put the seat belt back on and strap back into the race!

Better late than never

2009-11-03T10:17:00.004-05:00

So, I promised a post on Friday that I didn't deliver on. And it's not like the screaming masses were knocking down my blogging door, so this one's for you, Shannie.

We did a ghost play called "The Woman in Black" at the theatre for Halloween. I was, in fact, a glorified prop, but it was fun none-the-less. We had four women dressed in identical period dresses to play the ghost (and title character). Because there were four of us, we could be strategically placed throughout the theatre and hit with light at just the right moments to make it look like ONE ghost was appearing in various spots just moments apart. It seemed to work well, as we got plenty of gasps and nervous laughter from the audience.

The really fun part was that the four of us were also responsible for scene changes, but we couldn't do them in our costumes. (Even though the scene changes happen in a near blackout, we couldn't risk the front rows figuring out that the ghosts were up on stage changing the furniture around for the next scene.)

So, we had alter egos that we changed into for the scene changes. Off with the bonnet, dress and gloves and on with a fedora and vest over my stage blacks and I became "Kurt Diligent". At one point I had about twenty seconds to come down out of a balcony, go down three ladders, change clothes and get on stage for the final scene change. Ah, the glamor of live theatre!

My husband did brilliant sound design for the show as well as run the sound board (Thanks, Mr. Buntz!), so it was something that we got to do together. It's been quite some time since we've worked on a show together, so that was nice.

We sold a lot of tickets, made some money for our theatre (which sorely needs it) and spent Halloween weekend doing a ghost play in an already haunted playhouse. Not our typical method of celebrating the macabre holiday, but definitely an interesting one!

How do you blog when you're in limbo?

2009-10-29T16:44:00.003-04:00

I keep trying to come up with things to blog about and I can't! Honestly, I think I've entered the numb stage of the infertility process. (Is there normally a numb stage? I don't know.) Ironically, I couldn't wait to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my husband about what are next steps were going to be so we could move forward, and as soon as we had the talk I ground to a halt.

Maybe it's because our two main options require a lot of research? And neither one is something we would be able to jump into right away? I'm really not sure. I'm also going to go in for testing again soon to see if anything's changed with my girly bits, but I'm not overly optimistic. Which is rather ironic, since I've spent most of my life acting like it's my job to look on the bright side of things.

So, there's my non-update update. Try not to get too excited, okay? My CPR certification is woefully out of date, and I wouldn't want to have to try to resuscitate anyone.

If you're lucky, tomorrow I'll tell you about the Ghost Play I'm going to be in on Halloween!

It's Friday. I'm random.

2009-10-23T14:43:00.003-04:00

1. Why do women get purses and men get wallets? I know, I know, there are murses out there, and some women prefer to give their husbands everything to carry because they have cargo pockets. (Ahem.) But as a rule, doesn't it seem weird that the two sexes got such completely different vessels for transporting their stuff?

2. Murses. Is that the word for men's purses or male nurses? What if a male nurse carries a bag? What is that called?

3. Why is it that carousels with horses don't bother me, but the ones with things like giant rabbits do? Maybe it's just a proportion thing. I mean, we're supposed to ride on horses. Not rabbits. Right?

4. I find fake plants acceptable, but not fake pets. As long as you dust your fake greenery at least once a year, I'm cool with it. Throw a stuffed carcass of a pet in the corner, and I'm probably not going to come over for dinner more than once.

Options

2009-10-20T10:14:00.002-04:00

My husband and I cocooned all weekend. We did make a mad dash out for some sorely needed groceries, but that was it. We had a nice, long talk on Saturday, and I think it was what we've both needed. We were both processing our recent news separately, and thanks to obnoxious work and rehearsal schedules (we're both working on the Halloween play at the theatre), we simply hadn't had time to sit and really talk together.

As of right now, we're going to look into both donor embryos and domestic adoption. Both have their plusses and minuses (donor embryo is less expensive than donor eggs, but also only has a 20-25% success rate each cycle; adoption can be an expensive, invasive, lengthy process), but we feel like out of our options, these are the best for us moving forward.

I've said all along that a pregnancy was never my end goal; I simply want a child. That being said, having to come to terms with the fact that I will not be able to have a biological child AND the fact that I will never get to experience carrying and giving birth to a child is rough. Hence the donor embryo option; we feel like it's at least worth looking in to.

All that said, I have to thank not one but THREE amazing women who have offered me their eggs should we choose to move forward with a donor egg cycle. I am simply blown away by the generosity and love of a woman willing to share that ultimate gift with me. Some days I just can't wrap my head around that kind of selflessness, and I am beyond honored.

I can't end this post without offering congratulations to two of my fellow IFers who are both celebrating incredible successes. LB and Gringa, I wish you nothing but healthy pregnancies and happy babies. I can't think of two women that deserve this happiness more, and I'm looking forward to being "Auntie Flojat" two more times over!

A mostly naked man in my parking lot

2009-10-16T14:49:00.003-04:00

This morning, a friend and I were talking in front of our office building and observed a car pull in our parking lot. The man driving parked at the far end of the lot (which was only three rows away from us or so), got out, and proceeded to take his suit jacket, tie and dress shirt off.

He definitely had our attention at this point, and we joked as he threw on a tee shirt that we wondered if he would change his pants as well. Oblivious to our presence, he reached into his passenger door and proceeded to take his pants off. The door blocked him from his waist to his mid-calves, but HELLO. He was standing in our parking lot without any pants on!

He pulled on a pair of jeans, slipped into some sneakers, got into his car and pulled out of the parking lot. As he was pulling out, he glanced in our direction for the first time and realized we had watched the entire quick change. I've never seen someone accelerate so quickly, his face as red as the stop sign he blew through to get away from us.

Job interview? Exhibitionist? Modern-day Superman lamenting the lack of phone booths these days?

We never did agree on an explanation, but we've been giggling about it all day.

Holy cow, it's Friday again

2009-10-09T16:22:00.003-04:00

How does that happen? And I had one little, measly post since my LAST Friday post. Sloppy, lazy blogging right here, folks.

Continued bad news on the TTC front. I got my AMH level back, and it's low. Which is bad. Another sign that I've clean run out of eggs. The hope was that if this level was normal, it was an indication that things might be okay and it was just my surgery that was throwing things out of whack.

Ironically, I started getting literature in the mail about six months ago inviting me to take part in research studies on menopause. At the time I was absolutely infuriated. Now I'm wondering if someone out there somewhere knows something I don't know.

I wonder how long you continue to get your period once you stop producing eggs? Maybe that will be my next research topic. If I have to go through all this crap, it would be nice to at least be done with that as well.

Funny, I've had a good friend traveling the country stage managing the show, Menopause the Musical for a while now. Maybe I should email him and find out when it's coming in town again. You never know, I might learn something.

Talking to the boss

2009-10-07T12:51:00.002-04:00

I haven't said anything to my boss about my testing, my IF or my potential treatments. Obviously he knew about my surgery, as I was out of the office for three weeks. But last night, the perfect opportunity presented itself.

I occasionally go for a drink or two with a few of my girlfriends from work, and we're sometimes joined by other coworkers. Last night it was just the three of us, until the boss showed up.

I had had just enough to drink, and he walked up at the perfect time. We girls were discussing adoption (one of the girls is adopted), and were talking about various aspects of it. They had been encouraging me to talk to the boss man about it, as he and his wife adopted very successfully almost seven years ago. For some reason I was hesitant to talk about something so personal with my boss, in spite of the fact that we have a very casual work environment. But there we were, and there he was.

So, I bit the bullet and brought it up. It turns out that he and his wife went through three failed IVFs in the same office I'm going to now, and he's actually entertained my RE on his boat! Crazy small world, huh? He shared a lot with me about their IF and adoption process, and overall it was a great conversation. He was incredibly supportive about everything we've gone through, and it's nice to have someone in authority know and understand what I'm dealing with.

It was the first nice experience related to TTTC/IF I've had in a while. Nice. I can't remember the last time I used that word.

Random Fridays

2009-10-02T16:24:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. And this blog is getting kind of depressing. I thought I would see if I could lighten up for a few minutes and offer up some rambling thoughts that may be, at least a little bit, somewhat entertaining.

1. Why are blue and black the gold-standards of ink pens? I know they come in a lot of different colors, but why mainly blue and black? I think it would have been cool if green and purple had more of a chance when this decision was made.

2. I like snakes but abhor spiders. I think it has to do with the number of legs. I personally don't think anything needs more than six, and snakes have none.

3. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus wasn't nearly as good as I expected it to be. And don't get me wrong, I expected it to be cheesy. I just hoped it was going to be good cheesy, not poke-my-eyeballs-out-with-a-spork cheesy.

4. Speaking of sporks (a favorite topic on this blog, as my long-time readers can attest), did you know there's a growing faction supporting the word "foon" as an alternative name for the spork? I like the feel of the word, but it's lacking the hard "k" sound which makes me think of the pointy ends of the spork. Personally, I think it's too much spoon, not enough fork.

I think that's all I have in me. I hope that was random enough for ya!

Maybe I knew all along

2009-09-29T09:21:00.003-04:00

When I was getting ready to have my surgery, everyone kept telling me, "It will all be worth it. This is what's going to get you your baby!" I kept telling them, "This surgery isn't about my fertility; it's about my health. The infertility is really secondary at this point."

Well, it turns out I was right. The surgery didn't fix a damn thing. Apparently the Stage IV endometriosis has just done a pretty little tap dance all over my ovaries, and there's nothing left. The doc did an antral follicle count yesterday, and I have zero. To put that into perspective, you generally have to have at least ten to even qualify for an IVF cycle.

Doc immediately started talking donor eggs, but I don't think I want to go there. Honestly, I already have a child that's half J's and half someone else's. We may not get to spend as much time with my stepdaughter as we would like, but she's very much a part of my heart. I don't see spending upwards of $25,000 (or more) for a *chance* at a baby that's not biologically mine, just so I can have the privilege of being pregnant.

I think it might be time for us to talk about adoption. Or maybe we give up altogether. Buy J his new truck, redo the kitchen, take fabulous vacations. Hope for a miracle.

Looks like I'm actually that woman. That one who can't have kids.

Huh.

Mock transfer and SIS

2009-09-25T10:41:00.003-04:00

Well, as of Wednesday, I officially met my $4200 insurance deductible for the year, so I thought I'd celebrate! How, you ask? By having an expensive procedure that won't be covered!

I'm only covered for diagnostic IF issues, not treatments of any kind. So, Monday I'm having my mock transfer and SIS in preparation for an IVF cycle. Out of pocket. Fun! We haven't met with the financial counselor yet, so I have no idea what this is going to cost. The old me would have had a breakdown of the costs of everything before I set foot in the office. The new me realizes that this has to happen, and it's not like I'm going to shop around for a bargain (I wouldn't trade my RE for anything in the world), so it is what it is.

New truck for J? On hold. Kitchen remodel? On hold. Life in general? On hold.

I think back to the good old days, when I bitched about a $90 prescription for antibiotics I had to take before my HSG. Oh, I giggle at that little innocent that I was way back in, what was it, June?

The real irony is we're going to pay for this with money left to me by my grandmother. The really strict Southern Baptist one who would roll over in her grave if she knew her money was being spent on reproductive technology that is from.the.devil.

I guess if we get knocked up as a result, I could always name the baby after her. Except that I'm already named for her, and that would be just weird. Flojat, Jr? Doesn't quite have the right ring to it. Besides, I shouldn't be counting my embryos before they hatch.

Naps and Hospital Bills

2009-09-22T09:12:00.003-04:00

Here I am, trying to be a real person today. First full day back at work, and I'm already tired at 9:15 in the morning. I'm really not sure what's going on – I've been doing so well through this whole thing, and now I've been absolutely exhausted for the last two days and want to do nothing but lay in bed all day.

I'm sure it's all part of the healing process, but I'm ready to be done already. I want my energy level back! My enthusiasm! My ability to sleep between the hours of 11pm and 7am! Is that too much to ask?

On a completely unrelated note, I got my insurance statement for my surgery. My one-day stay in the hospital – not counting the surgeon, anesthesiologist, assistant, etc. – just the stay – was billed at somewhere around $50,000. I say somewhere, because they've apparenty tried to bill it three times, for between $45,000 and $54,000. Of course the insurance company doesn't allow them to bill that much, and the actual amount paid will be much lower, but that is just absolutely ludicrous for a 33-hour hospital stay, in my opinion.

The whole thing's only going to cost us around $1,000 out-of-pocket, and then we've met our deductible for the year. I told J this is the time to see a doctor if he needs to, 'cause it's free until January 1!

Back to work

2009-09-15T08:52:00.002-04:00

I'm here half days this week, and should be back full time next week! It's nice to be back in the real world, where pajama pants and tee shirts aren't considered acceptable attire. Where brushing my hair is not optional. Where I don't have a lazy pupper dog looking at me with her big browns wanting to go chase lizards on the patio every twenty minutes or so.

We're definitely moving on to IVF, whether we're ready for it or not. As soon as my body gets back to doing it's thing, I'll start cycle day testing and a mock transfer. Yikes! Doc gives us a 40% chance of it working the first time; I know those aren't bad odds when it comes to the reproductive gamble, but there's no way I'd go drop $15,000 in Vegas on a horse with those kind of odds! It's funny how your perspective (and ability for rational thought) changes (disappears?) when it comes to getting pregnant.

Holy crap. If this works, I could actually be knocked up by the end of the year!

I'm a slacker

2009-09-03T14:33:00.003-04:00

I thought being stuck at home would make me better on the whole blogging thing. And that I would have oodles of time to watch movies and read books. No such luck.

I'm not sure where my time goes. Well, today I do. I've spent an ungodly amount of time on Live Chat with various Comcast representatives who are apparently completely incapable of making my On Demand or HBO channels work. What I would like to be doing is laying on the couch actually partaking of these digital wonders. Sigh.

I am working from home now, which is nice. I go back to the Dr. next Wednesday, and hope that he will clear me to drive and go back to work, at least part time. I'm supposed to be on house arrest for four weeks, but I'm doing so insanely well that I can't imagine he's going to enforce that. I hope.

I think I'm going to go pop in a DVD and pretend my cable's working. Maybe Comcast should start spending less money advertising how great their services are and more on actually getting the services to work.

Promises, promises

2009-08-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

I know I said I would post more yesterday, but I was too busy COMING HOME. Slightly more than 24 hours after coming out of sugery my surgeon decided I was doing well enough to come home! Two to four days, my ass! Anyway, percocet is my friend and I'm doing really well. The pathology reports confirmed that everything was benign, so that's a huge relief.

Apparently I have an insane tolerance for pain, as at least one of the cysts had ruptured prior to surgery, which should have landed me in the ER. The endo was rampant, and my surgeon called in an oncology dude to help him get it all out. We're probably going to have to move on to IVF as soon as possible, as all this will continue to come back as long as I have girly parts. Honestly, my surgeon told my husband that if a gyno had performed this as opposed to an RE, he would have ripped everything out. Needless to say I'm super glad I didn't have my gyno do the surgery!

Okay, this has been a lot of one-finger typing on my iPod. I may have to try the big girl computer tomorrow.

Quick update

2009-08-25T18:42:00.000-04:00

I'm doing fine, still have two -- count them -- two ovaries, and the surgery went great. I love my RE/Surgeon, and my rockstar nurse tracked down a grape popsicle for me from the Peds department.

More tomorrow. Just wanted to say thank you for all the support. Now if my sock monkey will quit winking at me from the shelf, i think i'm going to try to take a nap.

Here we go

2009-08-24T12:47:00.002-04:00

We have to be at the hospital at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I really hope my surgeon's a morning person; I am not.

I know the waiting room has WiFi. If the patient rooms do not, I will pitch a fit. Or hobble back to the waiting room. Either way, I will update as soon as I can.

Fingers crossed that I still have all my girly parts when I do.

Thank you all so much for all your support -- you will never have any idea how much it means to me.

A little more HI

2009-08-19T13:36:00.005-04:00

First of all, I love that Hawaii is abbreviated HI. It just seems so incredibly appropriate for such a friendly place.

Secondly, I'm having trouble finding pictures to post that don't expose every member of my family to the ravages of the savage Internet. I'm not talking about my loyal readers, of course, but about the creeps who steal your family photos and use them to sell groceries in the Czech Republic.

Anyway, I tried to find a couple that weren't too bad, but still told a story. The first doesn't have any faces in it at all, but was taken during what was easily one of the most moving moments of the trip. Read this next sentence, and pay attention to it. If you ever go to Hawaii, please visit the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor. You will thank me later.

This picture was taken by my 13-year-old step daughter, and is one of the rare glimpses you get of the ship still underwater all these years later. Over 900 men are entombed here, their bodies never recovered from the ship. It is truly a cemetery, and an awe-inspiring piece of American soil. (Or water, if you want to talk semantics.)

Okay, enough of that. Here I am showing off my temporary tattoo I got at the luau with my step-daughter, nephews and niece. None of the other adults on the trip were cool enough to get one. Well, my husband would have gotten one in a heartbeat, but he was too busy videotaping the cool kids.

Lastly, here we are "Hanging Loose" on Waikiki Beach. We learned while we were there that this hand symbol actually originated with a famous Luau performer who used to delight in waving at his fans, minus the three middle fingers he had lost in an accident. The fans began curving their fingers in to wave back, and the Shaka sign was born. Well, at least that's one theory. And I like it better than the one about the surfer having his fingers bitten off by a shark.

Okay. Enough vacation? I promised more in an earlier post, and didn't want to not follow through. I'm well back in the real world by now, anyway. Well, at least as back as I can be while I still have macadamia nuts in the kitchen and sand in my flip flops.

Bringing home baby?

2009-08-17T15:36:00.004-04:00

*Disclaimer: I intend no harm, insult or any other form of ill feelings on the part of any of my readers with this post. If you have/had an absolutely adorable "first outfit" for your peanut, I'd love to hear about it!*

Am I missing the boat? I am having trouble understanding the significance of the "bringing home baby" outfit for the newborn. Do we really have to start coordinating their wardrobes before they hit outside air for the first time?

I've looked at a lot of pictures of newborns, including snapshots of them getting loaded into the car for the first time, and without fail I cannot tell you what they were wearing.

(One caveat: My little Indigo Rose had an incredibly cute Little Ewok onesie for her trip home, and I have to take exception as I was the one who had the honor of dubbing her "Little Wicket" while she was still an inside baby.)

I guess I've always assumed you just pick out the smallest outfit you've purchased/received as a gift prior to birth and stick that in the bag. Honestly, before I gave any real thought to it, I assumed the hospital put them in some kind of garment before releasing them to the completely overwhelmed hands of the new parents.

Does this mean you have to pack multiple outfits for them while in the hospital? And the little hats. Do the hospitals provide those? Or do the little squeakers need a variety of appropriate headgear brought to the hospital as well?

I guess it's a good thing we have a while to go before I'm even close to having to worry about any of this stuff. I clearly have lots to learn about newborn fashion!

Tuesday Morning

2009-08-13T14:34:00.004-04:00

As of right now, my surgery is scheduled for August 25th, sportsfans, which is a week from Tuesday. Which is decidedly better than this coming Tuesday, which was going to be a possibility until I got side checked by someone else's unruly girly parts also needing surgery.

The good news is, that gives me another week to have my house in order. I'd ideally like to be caught up on laundry, have the fridge stocked and maybe some meals in the freezer to tide us over for the next month or so. I'd also like the house to be squeaky clean, so it doesn't degenerate much during my downtime.

If my husband is going to be doing things around the house during my recovery, I would rather it revolve around bringing me yummy things to eat and entertaining DVDs to watch. Oh, and maybe a foot rub or two. I'd rather NOT find him in the laundry room. (Flashbacks to stories about him trying to wash his jeans in a dishwasher and socks drying in a microwave – no thank you!)

So, a few more items to check off the list and I'll be good to go:

• Bloodwork next Thursday or Friday.
• I need to make sure the hospital has WiFi (that's considered an inalienable right at this point, correct?)
• Take off my perfectly good pedicure (does anyone know why you can't have nail polish on during surgery? I'm too lazy to Google.)
• Oh, and I should probably call my insurance company to give them a heads up. Verifying in-network and all that jazz.

Here's where I type a witty ending, which I'm having trouble coming up with. Sorry, sportsfans.

Two weeks

2009-08-07T10:51:00.005-04:00

I know, I know. It's been two weeks since I've posted, it's Friday, and I have nothing random to say. To keep you from yelling at me, I decided to distract you with a video of a kangaroo riding a unicycle. But then I couldn't find one. So, I'm going to post a few pictures of our recent trip to Hawaii instead.

I promise I'll write more about the trip later. Right now I'm so jetlagged I'd probably forget to tell you about all the good stuff.

Random Fridays

2009-07-17T15:30:00.002-04:00

1. Do you ever wonder why you always see just one shoe on the side of the road? How do they get there? Do that many people chuck shoes out of car windows while driving down the road? And if so, why only one?

2. I think they should invent an ultrasound/doppler application for the iPhone. How cool would that be for pregnant women?

3. Have you ever sat on a beach and tried to wrap your mind around how many grains of sand there are on the planet? It makes my brain hurt when I think about it.

4. On a related matter, how do we know that no two snowflakes are alike? I really don't think anyone's actually analyzed every snowflake that's ever fallen and run it through some crazy snowflake database.

5. Some days I think the person who invented cubicles should be forced to wear underwear two sizes too small for the rest of his or her life.

That'll teach him to shoot at my house

2009-07-15T11:22:00.002-04:00

We were enjoying a nice dinner last night when we heard what sounded like someone opening a champagne bottle in our living room. I got up and checked, but there were no rogue sommeliers in the house, and I saw nothing out of place. We went back to eating, and two minutes later there was a knock on our door.

Apparently our next door neighbor happened to look out his window at the exact right time and saw the neighbor punk from across the street shooting at our front door with a paintball gun.

Long story short, there were no parents or adults home; this 12 or 13 year old was home alone with his much younger sister. We made him wash off the paint, called the neighborhood mall cop (who was at least 18 himself - glad our HOA dues are going to good use!) and I put the fear of god into him about playing with guns of any type.

The good news is he was a horrible shot and missed our dormer window three times. The even better news is he seemed contrite, and promised me he would never handle a gun again without adult supervision. Who knows if he was telling me the truth, but if our little adventure with him prevented a serious gun-related accident in the future, it was worth it.

Now we just wait and see if the father responds to the note J left for him. The only other time we've talked to him was the day he moved in and backed into our friend's car. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Five years

2009-07-09T08:47:00.002-04:00

Five years. Long or short? In five years a child can go from a squeaking newborn to a well-spoken kindergartner who reads and counts. A cherry tree can grow twenty feet. A five-year old gerbil is positively ancient.

Tomorrow, my marriage will be five years old. Some days it feels like we're newlyweds. Some days it feels like I've known him my whole life. Every day I'm thankful for him and that we found each other.

We won't go out for a fancy dinner, or spend the night in a swanky hotel on the beach. It's opening night at my husband's theatre, you see, which means he has to work. The good news is, I can be there with him. I know it's not the most romantic way to spend an anniversary, but it works for us. And honestly, it's kind of fitting. We met through the theatre, after all, six years ago Saturday.

Don't tell him, but I'm thinking about sneaking in a bottle of champagne.

J, baby, I love you. Happy anniversary!

So much for second opinions

2009-06-30T10:30:00.003-04:00

The RE I saw yesterday was all about the outpatient surgery, until he did an ultrasound. Apparently I'm carrying around a tennis ball-sized cyst attached to one of my ovaries. The good news is, the other ovary looks perfect. Which was the only good news I got yesterday.

He's going to have to do a laparotomy, which is major surgery. Two to three days in the hospital, and they won't release me to go back to work for four weeks. Oh, and there's a good chance I'm going to lose that ovary entirely, because there's so little healthy tissue left.

I just glanced at my employee handbook, and apparently whether or not I get paid during that time is completely at the owner's discretion. (And before anyone starts the FMLA chant, we're too small to qualify.) Unfortunately he's on vacation until early August, so I guess I'll just have to wonder. At least he's usually in a good mood when he gets back.

So, fingers crossed that my cyst stays put until after our vacation next month and that I won't lose four weeks of pay. As the "Sugar Mama" of the house, that would put a bit of a crimp in our little ol' budget.

Oh, I have one important question for my loyal readers. I haven't spent the night in the hospital since I was three. Do they give popsicles to the grown ups, too?

It's that time again

2009-06-26T12:58:00.004-04:00

Friday. I'm feeling lazy today, so I only have one random thought to share. But since I'm being lazy, I decided to doctor up the post with a link. And a picture. Ooo, pretty pictures!

Today's random thought is more of a random fact. Did you know Minnesota has a law on the books that bans Dakota Indians from living within their borders? Obviously it's an old law, and not enforced, but it's crazy that it's still there, none-the-less.

Here are two more related random facts. I'm a descendant of Pocahontas on my mother's father's side. (But I haven't seen the Disney movie. I say it's because it's factually inaccurate and disrespectful to my ancestors, but it's really just that I haven't gotten around to it.)

And I had a great-grandfather that was half Cherokee. I always thought that was pretty cool, but didn't realize until relatively recently that my grandmother was greatly ashamed of this fact. That same great-grandfather fought in the Civil War, but that's another post for another time. (But think about that, those of you who were lucky enough to know your great-grandparents. He and I didn't exactly overlap on the whole timeline thing.)

(That's supposedly Pocahontas with her son, Thomas Rolfe, although the authenticity of the photo hasn't been proven.)

Giving it up

2009-06-24T13:54:00.002-04:00

Laundry. I'm seriously thinking about giving it up. It's honestly my least favorite chore, and I'm getting increasingly bad at keeping up with it. There's very little job satisfaction in doing it well, unless you count being able to wear your favorite underwear because they're actually clean.

I find myself doing emergency loads so I can actually wear jeans on Fridays, when we're allowed to wear jeans to work. Not that I don't wear them on other days as well, from time to time, but it seems wasteful to not wear them on Friday when they're actually sanctioned by the employee handbook.

And in this day and age of super duper streamlined appliances and robotic vacuums, does it seem right that we're spending almost the exact same amount of time on housework as we were in 1900? I don't think so, but we are.

I want someone to invent a washing machine/dryer combo that actually simplifies the process. Or shortens it. Or makes it so I don't have to go search for hangers in my husband's closet.

Is that too much to ask?

It's Random Friday again

2009-06-19T09:39:00.002-04:00

Man, this weeks seems to have flown by. Which is perfectly fine with me, considering the weekends feel like they last for approximately twelve minutes. Now on to the randomness. I've been holding on to the first one since Sunday, when the thought first occurred to me.

1. Do you think other cultures have storage units? Uncle Bob's Storage. U Store It. Climate controlled, pretty little boxes where we can store all the stuff we've accumulated that won't fit in our current residence? Or are we the only culture that is arrogant enough to need more 'things' than we actually have room for?

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't valid reasons for storage units. Temporarily between residences? Need to put your pool table somewhere while you refurbish the basement to look like a kickass bar? Knock yourself out.

I simply can't believe the sheer number of storage units we have in Florida. Which is ironic, given the fact that a decent percentage of our population actually has a SECOND HOME somewhere up north. For some reason I can't see a Frenchman paying perfectly good money for a place to store crap. And in Japan, their residences are smaller than our storage units. I'm sure it would be considered a ridiculous extravagance. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong.

If you've lived in a foreign country (or know someone who does), fill me in. Does Uncle Bob have a chain in the Ukraine?

2. (You're only getting two today, because they're long.) You know how your voice sounds different in your head than it does to everyone else? You know, you hear your voice on a voice mail message (or on a cassette tape, in the olden days), and freak out at what you sound like to everyone else?

Well, yesterday it occurred to me to wonder how this phenomenon affects comedians and actors who do impressions. Those guys (and gals) who can do spot-on, can't-believe-it's-not-the-real-person-talking impressions. Since they would sound different in their heads while they're practicing new impressions, how do they get them so spot on? Do they have to record themselves and constantly go back and listen to what they sound like to everyone else? That seems awfully tedious.

Makes me appreciate Kevin Pollack's Christopher Walken all the more.

Going under the knife

2009-06-16T15:40:00.004-04:00

Will it be

1) a two-day hospital stay, open incision, two weeks off of work jobbie?

Or

2) an outpatient, lap/hysteroscopy, back-to-work-on-Monday type deal?

That depends on whether you ask my OB/GYN or my RE. Personally, I'm voting for option number two. As a matter of fact, I'm less than thrilled with my OB/GYN right now for more than one reason. I know Dr. B has my best interests at heart, but sometimes the words that come out of his mouth are less than supportive. "I'll try to leave as much of your ovaries as I can." "No, we can't wait until after your vacation. You might experience Ovarian Torsion, and then it would become an emergency." "An incision this big, six weeks till you're fully back to 100%." "Slim chance, but we have to rule out ovarian cancer."

Yes, he went there. I've done my research, and I've read multiple times that elevated C125 levels should not be used as a diagnostic indicator for ovarian cancer. He fully admitted that it's most likely the cysts on my ovaries or the fibroids hanging out in my uterus causing the elevated levels. In fact, most of what he's blathering about are worst-case scenarios. And while I appreciate he has to tell me these things, TELL ME they're worst-case scenarios WHILE YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT THEM. For crying out loud, is that so hard???

Perhaps in an attempt redeem his beside manner, he did try to ask in a caring tone, "How do you *feel* about having the surgery?"

I looked at him with a rather blank stare and told him I was less than excited, but if that's what I have to do to get pregnant, then so be it. He then politely informed me that it was really more of a medical necessity, not just a fertility issue. In that case, it doesn't really matter how I *feel* about having the surgery, does it?

To end this rather whiny, complaining blog entry on a much happier note, I scored a 6.2 on my FSH test. Boooya! I know, most of you are probably wondering what that number means. Well, I'll tell you what it means. That means I have the egg reserve of a shiny, happy, pimple-faced twenty-something-year-old chickie, folks!

No dusty eggs for me!

Random Fridays

2009-06-12T14:51:00.002-04:00

Haven't done one of these in a while, and thought it would be nice to take a break from the depressing posts I've been trailing out there recently.

1) I wonder who created the five-day work week? And who decided eight hours would make a good, typical work day?

2) The summer months makes me want to eat more veggies, even though I live somewhere where we have summer weather all year long.

3) When I lurk on other people's blogs, I'm hesitant to leave a comment 'cause I think they'll think I'm a weird Interwebs stalker. But as a blog author, I'd love for my lurkers to say hello when they stop by. Interesting duality, there.

4) If you're lurking, say hello. I promise I won't bite. And if you have a blog, I'd love to read it.

5) That last one wasn't really random, so I'll go for one more here. If there are other life forms in the universe, do you think they're not technologically advanced enough to reach us, or are we just primitively boring and not worth the trip? Or do you think they're already here, mucking up corn fields and traumatizing cows and people named Jim Bob?*

*I have nothing against people named Jim Bob. I may, however, have been making a thinly veiled reference to residents of rural America that think they get abducted by aliens on a semi-regular basis.

Karma?

2009-06-10T21:50:00.003-04:00

I've told J before that we're just too lucky. The few times we've had bad luck (our SUV being totaled, our washing machine flooding our house (twice), a flat tire and five hours on Alligator Alley), I've chalked it up to Karma balancing out our otherwise blessed lives. My parents love him, I get along famously with his family. We're healthy, happy, have a nice home and plenty of food to eat. We have the best dog in the world (don't bother arguing with me, you won't win), amazing friends and two jobs that we enjoy.

We have an amazing girl that I'm proud to call my stepdaughter, even if we don't get to spend much time with her due to distance. Honestly, we just don't have much to complain about.

Is our infertility the ultimate balancing act dealt us by Karma? Perhaps this is our one big challenge that we will face as a couple. If so, it's a doozy. But I still have to step back and say, all things being equal, we're two lucky folks.

Might have to put that on a sticky note (or three) and post it where I'll see it every day.

Nesting for everyone

2009-06-04T15:20:00.005-04:00

Whether you're a mom-to-be in full nesting mode or just a worldly individual with impeccable design taste, I dare you to not find inspiration on this blog.

I'm in a redecorating mode right now, which I think is because I've now officially lived in this house longer than I've lived anywhere in my entire life. So, I'm looking for ways to update. And the "before and afters" on this site make me want to go to garage sales because I know I'll find that gorgeous chair by Eames that the owner is foolishly selling for $3.

A picture like this makes me question why I don't make all my greeting cards by hand.

Check it out. Design*Sponge

If and When

2009-06-03T12:51:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to figure out exactly when in my trying-to-get-knocked-up process I went from saying, "When we have kids" to saying, "If we have kids."

In all honesty, I guess I still haven't completely transitioned to the second option yet, but the first one has definitely left my vocabulary for good. Apparently I'm at the "If we're lucky enough to have kids" stage right now.

The transition definitely happened before I started having testing done. Somewhere between the one-year mark and the two-year mark.

I am nowhere near giving up hope, but I think at some point when dealing with infertility you also have to be realistic. I am EXTREMELY hopeful that we're going to be able to make a baby. I am willing to go through a lot of expensive (and sometimes painful) treatments to make that happen.

But as optimistic as I am, I have to let a little part of my brain and heart remain realistic. I suppose that's better than letting a big chunk be pessimistic. I'm beginning to think that that's going to be the key to surviving this process. Finding the balance and not letting one overwhelm the other.

37 and not trying

2009-06-01T16:02:00.004-04:00

This is just a weird month. We've been trying to get knocked up for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like to try NOT to get pregnant. And the one month that good ol' Doc B asks us to abstain because of testing has to fall on my birthday. So now I feel old, and like I'm wasting a month.

In three years, I'll be 40. By that age, my parents had a kid in college.

Wow.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, we decided this weekend that someone needs to invent a spork with a slightly serrated blade on the handle (think KFC plastic knife, not something that's gonna take off a finger) and we'll call it a Spornk. I think it's brilliant.

I was going to call it a Snork, but was afraid people would confuse it with these:

Plus this way it has the word "porn" in it, which makes it seem a little dirty.

The boys can swim

2009-05-29T14:42:00.003-04:00

Well, it took two weeks and six phone calls, but I finally got my husband's SA results. Normal. It's the first good news we've gotten in this whole process. I can breathe a big sigh of relief, but I also feel unexpectedly guilty.

I know I'm six years older than he is, and a woman's age has much more impact on fertility anyway, so honestly it's not shocking that I'm the problem. But it does make me feel bad, in some "I know there's nothing I can do about it, but I still feel like crap" kind of way.

He keeps reminding me that we're in this together. I'm very lucky to have him. And I know I wouldn't blame him had things turned out differently.

I am just going to focus on the fact that we only have to fix me, and we're lucky in that respect. I know there are a lot of couples out there dealing with IF on both sides, and they would be thrilled to get a Normal on an SA.

Now if I can just give his swimmers something to aim for, we might be in business!

The Need to Clean

2009-05-28T13:45:00.005-04:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am not, by nature, a Susie Spotless at home. My method of cleaning revolves around inviting guests to our home just often enough so that I have to clean before the entire house lists sideways from the amount of clutter and slides into the neighbor's swimming pool.

And if I haven't done a deep cleaning in a really long time, I make sure to invite my parents for the weekend. Because "Mom Clean" is an actual adjective in our household, and there's nothing else like it.

Fortunately, my husband and I seem to have about the same tolerance for clutter and cleanliness, which means neither one of us gets freaked out before we break down and straighten up around the house.

The funny thing is, I always insist that the house is clean before we have guests. So everyone we know (I'm not talking to you, Josh and Brian) thinks we really are Neatnicks. What they don't know won't hurt 'em, right?

Anyway, I'm on a cleaning/purging/organizing/get-rid-of-everything-in-the-house-that-we-haven't-used-in-the-last-17-days kind of mood. For crying out loud, I borrowed a book on how to organize from my mom. A book. On how to organize.

And -- wait for it -- I even bought a paper shredder!

Now if I can just find a anti-shedding full body suit for the dog, I'll be happy.

Insult to injury

2009-05-26T14:12:00.002-04:00

So, I'm told by my doctor to come in for blood work on day three of my cycle, and that he wants to see me when I come in. I called this morning on my way in to work to schedule said appointment. To make a long story short, it was rather difficult to make the appointment, and I had to do things like explain why it was important that I come in on day three rather than day five, as the receptionist/scheduler so kindly offered as an alternative.

I finally get an appointment, and as I'm sitting in the office waiting to be seen, I hear the same woman calling all of the next day's appointments leaving reminders. One patient obviously answers the phone, and the next thing I hear is the scheduler bending over backward to accommodate her. "No, you tell me what works best for YOU! Really! We can make whatever work!" It caught my interest because it was the complete polar opposite of the phone call I had had a few hours earlier. Then I hear the scheduler say, "Well, I try to be flexible with those of you who are pregnant. I know how difficult it can be for you to come in."

WTF?

I really like my doctor (and his proximity to my office), but the scheduler/phone answerer person is really starting to get on my nerves.