Holy cow, it's Friday again

How does that happen? And I had one little, measly post since my LAST Friday post. Sloppy, lazy blogging right here, folks.

Continued bad news on the TTC front. I got my AMH level back, and it's low. Which is bad. Another sign that I've clean run out of eggs. The hope was that if this level was normal, it was an indication that things might be okay and it was just my surgery that was throwing things out of whack.



Ironically, I started getting literature in the mail about six months ago inviting me to take part in research studies on menopause. At the time I was absolutely infuriated. Now I'm wondering if someone out there somewhere knows something I don't know.

I wonder how long you continue to get your period once you stop producing eggs? Maybe that will be my next research topic. If I have to go through all this crap, it would be nice to at least be done with that as well.

Funny, I've had a good friend traveling the country stage managing the show, Menopause the Musical for a while now. Maybe I should email him and find out when it's coming in town again. You never know, I might learn something.

Talking to the boss

I haven't said anything to my boss about my testing, my IF or my potential treatments. Obviously he knew about my surgery, as I was out of the office for three weeks. But last night, the perfect opportunity presented itself.

I occasionally go for a drink or two with a few of my girlfriends from work, and we're sometimes joined by other coworkers. Last night it was just the three of us, until the boss showed up.

I had had just enough to drink, and he walked up at the perfect time. We girls were discussing adoption (one of the girls is adopted), and were talking about various aspects of it. They had been encouraging me to talk to the boss man about it, as he and his wife adopted very successfully almost seven years ago. For some reason I was hesitant to talk about something so personal with my boss, in spite of the fact that we have a very casual work environment. But there we were, and there he was.

So, I bit the bullet and brought it up. It turns out that he and his wife went through three failed IVFs in the same office I'm going to now, and he's actually entertained my RE on his boat! Crazy small world, huh? He shared a lot with me about their IF and adoption process, and overall it was a great conversation. He was incredibly supportive about everything we've gone through, and it's nice to have someone in authority know and understand what I'm dealing with.

It was the first nice experience related to TTTC/IF I've had in a while. Nice. I can't remember the last time I used that word.

Random Fridays

It's been a while. And this blog is getting kind of depressing. I thought I would see if I could lighten up for a few minutes and offer up some rambling thoughts that may be, at least a little bit, somewhat entertaining.

1. Why are blue and black the gold-standards of ink pens? I know they come in a lot of different colors, but why mainly blue and black? I think it would have been cool if green and purple had more of a chance when this decision was made.

2. I like snakes but abhor spiders. I think it has to do with the number of legs. I personally don't think anything needs more than six, and snakes have none.

3. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus wasn't nearly as good as I expected it to be. And don't get me wrong, I expected it to be cheesy. I just hoped it was going to be good cheesy, not poke-my-eyeballs-out-with-a-spork cheesy.

4. Speaking of sporks (a favorite topic on this blog, as my long-time readers can attest), did you know there's a growing faction supporting the word "foon" as an alternative name for the spork? I like the feel of the word, but it's lacking the hard "k" sound which makes me think of the pointy ends of the spork. Personally, I think it's too much spoon, not enough fork.

I think that's all I have in me. I hope that was random enough for ya!

Maybe I knew all along

When I was getting ready to have my surgery, everyone kept telling me, "It will all be worth it. This is what's going to get you your baby!" I kept telling them, "This surgery isn't about my fertility; it's about my health. The infertility is really secondary at this point."

Well, it turns out I was right. The surgery didn't fix a damn thing. Apparently the Stage IV endometriosis has just done a pretty little tap dance all over my ovaries, and there's nothing left. The doc did an antral follicle count yesterday, and I have zero. To put that into perspective, you generally have to have at least ten to even qualify for an IVF cycle.

Doc immediately started talking donor eggs, but I don't think I want to go there. Honestly, I already have a child that's half J's and half someone else's. We may not get to spend as much time with my stepdaughter as we would like, but she's very much a part of my heart. I don't see spending upwards of $25,000 (or more) for a *chance* at a baby that's not biologically mine, just so I can have the privilege of being pregnant.

I think it might be time for us to talk about adoption. Or maybe we give up altogether. Buy J his new truck, redo the kitchen, take fabulous vacations. Hope for a miracle.

Looks like I'm actually that woman. That one who can't have kids.

Huh.

Mock transfer and SIS

Well, as of Wednesday, I officially met my $4200 insurance deductible for the year, so I thought I'd celebrate! How, you ask? By having an expensive procedure that won't be covered!

I'm only covered for diagnostic IF issues, not treatments of any kind. So, Monday I'm having my mock transfer and SIS in preparation for an IVF cycle. Out of pocket. Fun! We haven't met with the financial counselor yet, so I have no idea what this is going to cost. The old me would have had a breakdown of the costs of everything before I set foot in the office. The new me realizes that this has to happen, and it's not like I'm going to shop around for a bargain (I wouldn't trade my RE for anything in the world), so it is what it is.

New truck for J? On hold. Kitchen remodel? On hold. Life in general? On hold.

I think back to the good old days, when I bitched about a $90 prescription for antibiotics I had to take before my HSG. Oh, I giggle at that little innocent that I was way back in, what was it, June?

The real irony is we're going to pay for this with money left to me by my grandmother. The really strict Southern Baptist one who would roll over in her grave if she knew her money was being spent on reproductive technology that is from.the.devil.

I guess if we get knocked up as a result, I could always name the baby after her. Except that I'm already named for her, and that would be just weird. Flojat, Jr? Doesn't quite have the right ring to it. Besides, I shouldn't be counting my embryos before they hatch.

Naps and Hospital Bills

Here I am, trying to be a real person today. First full day back at work, and I'm already tired at 9:15 in the morning. I'm really not sure what's going on – I've been doing so well through this whole thing, and now I've been absolutely exhausted for the last two days and want to do nothing but lay in bed all day.

I'm sure it's all part of the healing process, but I'm ready to be done already. I want my energy level back! My enthusiasm! My ability to sleep between the hours of 11pm and 7am! Is that too much to ask?

On a completely unrelated note, I got my insurance statement for my surgery. My one-day stay in the hospital – not counting the surgeon, anesthesiologist, assistant, etc. – just the stay – was billed at somewhere around $50,000. I say somewhere, because they've apparenty tried to bill it three times, for between $45,000 and $54,000. Of course the insurance company doesn't allow them to bill that much, and the actual amount paid will be much lower, but that is just absolutely ludicrous for a 33-hour hospital stay, in my opinion.

The whole thing's only going to cost us around $1,000 out-of-pocket, and then we've met our deductible for the year. I told J this is the time to see a doctor if he needs to, 'cause it's free until January 1!

Back to work

I'm here half days this week, and should be back full time next week! It's nice to be back in the real world, where pajama pants and tee shirts aren't considered acceptable attire. Where brushing my hair is not optional. Where I don't have a lazy pupper dog looking at me with her big browns wanting to go chase lizards on the patio every twenty minutes or so.

We're definitely moving on to IVF, whether we're ready for it or not. As soon as my body gets back to doing it's thing, I'll start cycle day testing and a mock transfer. Yikes! Doc gives us a 40% chance of it working the first time; I know those aren't bad odds when it comes to the reproductive gamble, but there's no way I'd go drop $15,000 in Vegas on a horse with those kind of odds! It's funny how your perspective (and ability for rational thought) changes (disappears?) when it comes to getting pregnant.

Holy crap. If this works, I could actually be knocked up by the end of the year!