Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Maybe I knew all along

When I was getting ready to have my surgery, everyone kept telling me, "It will all be worth it. This is what's going to get you your baby!" I kept telling them, "This surgery isn't about my fertility; it's about my health. The infertility is really secondary at this point."

Well, it turns out I was right. The surgery didn't fix a damn thing. Apparently the Stage IV endometriosis has just done a pretty little tap dance all over my ovaries, and there's nothing left. The doc did an antral follicle count yesterday, and I have zero. To put that into perspective, you generally have to have at least ten to even qualify for an IVF cycle.

Doc immediately started talking donor eggs, but I don't think I want to go there. Honestly, I already have a child that's half J's and half someone else's. We may not get to spend as much time with my stepdaughter as we would like, but she's very much a part of my heart. I don't see spending upwards of $25,000 (or more) for a *chance* at a baby that's not biologically mine, just so I can have the privilege of being pregnant.

I think it might be time for us to talk about adoption. Or maybe we give up altogether. Buy J his new truck, redo the kitchen, take fabulous vacations. Hope for a miracle.

Looks like I'm actually that woman. That one who can't have kids.

Huh.

10 comments:

Cat said...

I don't know what to say. I am so very sorry. You are such an amazingly strong person; I admire your strength.

Sounds like you guys have some ideas to mull over and some decisions to make.

I am so sad that you recieved that news. You and J are in my thoughts.

bbjoys said...

There is nothing I can say right now to make any of this any better. But I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I won't even pretend to understand what you are going through. But know that I'll be thinking of you, and hoping for the best for you. ::hugs::

Lyse2143 said...

I'm so sorry for your news love. I wish I could do/say the right thing to take away your hurt. Just know that I'm here for you.

rls07 said...

My heart is breaking right now. You do not deserve any of this. (((Hugs))))

LOVEDBYD said...

I am so sorry for the news you have received. You and J are in my thoughts and prayers!

mkemily said...

I am so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a woman with amazing courage and strength. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry to hear of this, Kat. My condolences go out to the both of you. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Either way, you are a great person who deserves nothing less than the best.

Mama Manica said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I wish I could wrap you up in warm hugs and make it all better. You deserve so much more than what you have been given.

Love you!

gringa78 said...

Oh, Kat, I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and give you the biggest hug in the world. I said it before, and because I'm pushy, I'm going to say it again: Get a second opinion. If you can go to a big-name place like CCRM or NYU, try. They've seen everything under the sun. There still might be possibilities out there. Love you and am thinking about you.

Carly said...

Oh Kat. I missed this and I am so so sorry. I want to fly to FL and give you the biggest hug in the world. I know I cannot do anything to help you besides tell you how much I love you, I am here for you if you need an ear, and I wish wish wish I could hug you right now