How do you blog when you're in limbo?

I keep trying to come up with things to blog about and I can't! Honestly, I think I've entered the numb stage of the infertility process. (Is there normally a numb stage? I don't know.) Ironically, I couldn't wait to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my husband about what are next steps were going to be so we could move forward, and as soon as we had the talk I ground to a halt.

Maybe it's because our two main options require a lot of research? And neither one is something we would be able to jump into right away? I'm really not sure. I'm also going to go in for testing again soon to see if anything's changed with my girly bits, but I'm not overly optimistic. Which is rather ironic, since I've spent most of my life acting like it's my job to look on the bright side of things.

So, there's my non-update update. Try not to get too excited, okay? My CPR certification is woefully out of date, and I wouldn't want to have to try to resuscitate anyone.

If you're lucky, tomorrow I'll tell you about the Ghost Play I'm going to be in on Halloween!

It's Friday. I'm random.

1. Why do women get purses and men get wallets? I know, I know, there are murses out there, and some women prefer to give their husbands everything to carry because they have cargo pockets. (Ahem.) But as a rule, doesn't it seem weird that the two sexes got such completely different vessels for transporting their stuff?

2. Murses. Is that the word for men's purses or male nurses? What if a male nurse carries a bag? What is that called?

3. Why is it that carousels with horses don't bother me, but the ones with things like giant rabbits do? Maybe it's just a proportion thing. I mean, we're supposed to ride on horses. Not rabbits. Right?

4. I find fake plants acceptable, but not fake pets. As long as you dust your fake greenery at least once a year, I'm cool with it. Throw a stuffed carcass of a pet in the corner, and I'm probably not going to come over for dinner more than once.

Options

My husband and I cocooned all weekend. We did make a mad dash out for some sorely needed groceries, but that was it. We had a nice, long talk on Saturday, and I think it was what we've both needed. We were both processing our recent news separately, and thanks to obnoxious work and rehearsal schedules (we're both working on the Halloween play at the theatre), we simply hadn't had time to sit and really talk together.

As of right now, we're going to look into both donor embryos and domestic adoption. Both have their plusses and minuses (donor embryo is less expensive than donor eggs, but also only has a 20-25% success rate each cycle; adoption can be an expensive, invasive, lengthy process), but we feel like out of our options, these are the best for us moving forward.

I've said all along that a pregnancy was never my end goal; I simply want a child. That being said, having to come to terms with the fact that I will not be able to have a biological child AND the fact that I will never get to experience carrying and giving birth to a child is rough. Hence the donor embryo option; we feel like it's at least worth looking in to.

All that said, I have to thank not one but THREE amazing women who have offered me their eggs should we choose to move forward with a donor egg cycle. I am simply blown away by the generosity and love of a woman willing to share that ultimate gift with me. Some days I just can't wrap my head around that kind of selflessness, and I am beyond honored.

I can't end this post without offering congratulations to two of my fellow IFers who are both celebrating incredible successes. LB and Gringa, I wish you nothing but healthy pregnancies and happy babies. I can't think of two women that deserve this happiness more, and I'm looking forward to being "Auntie Flojat" two more times over!

A mostly naked man in my parking lot

This morning, a friend and I were talking in front of our office building and observed a car pull in our parking lot. The man driving parked at the far end of the lot (which was only three rows away from us or so), got out, and proceeded to take his suit jacket, tie and dress shirt off.

He definitely had our attention at this point, and we joked as he threw on a tee shirt that we wondered if he would change his pants as well. Oblivious to our presence, he reached into his passenger door and proceeded to take his pants off. The door blocked him from his waist to his mid-calves, but HELLO. He was standing in our parking lot without any pants on!

He pulled on a pair of jeans, slipped into some sneakers, got into his car and pulled out of the parking lot. As he was pulling out, he glanced in our direction for the first time and realized we had watched the entire quick change. I've never seen someone accelerate so quickly, his face as red as the stop sign he blew through to get away from us.

Job interview? Exhibitionist? Modern-day Superman lamenting the lack of phone booths these days?

We never did agree on an explanation, but we've been giggling about it all day.

Holy cow, it's Friday again

How does that happen? And I had one little, measly post since my LAST Friday post. Sloppy, lazy blogging right here, folks.

Continued bad news on the TTC front. I got my AMH level back, and it's low. Which is bad. Another sign that I've clean run out of eggs. The hope was that if this level was normal, it was an indication that things might be okay and it was just my surgery that was throwing things out of whack.



Ironically, I started getting literature in the mail about six months ago inviting me to take part in research studies on menopause. At the time I was absolutely infuriated. Now I'm wondering if someone out there somewhere knows something I don't know.

I wonder how long you continue to get your period once you stop producing eggs? Maybe that will be my next research topic. If I have to go through all this crap, it would be nice to at least be done with that as well.

Funny, I've had a good friend traveling the country stage managing the show, Menopause the Musical for a while now. Maybe I should email him and find out when it's coming in town again. You never know, I might learn something.

Talking to the boss

I haven't said anything to my boss about my testing, my IF or my potential treatments. Obviously he knew about my surgery, as I was out of the office for three weeks. But last night, the perfect opportunity presented itself.

I occasionally go for a drink or two with a few of my girlfriends from work, and we're sometimes joined by other coworkers. Last night it was just the three of us, until the boss showed up.

I had had just enough to drink, and he walked up at the perfect time. We girls were discussing adoption (one of the girls is adopted), and were talking about various aspects of it. They had been encouraging me to talk to the boss man about it, as he and his wife adopted very successfully almost seven years ago. For some reason I was hesitant to talk about something so personal with my boss, in spite of the fact that we have a very casual work environment. But there we were, and there he was.

So, I bit the bullet and brought it up. It turns out that he and his wife went through three failed IVFs in the same office I'm going to now, and he's actually entertained my RE on his boat! Crazy small world, huh? He shared a lot with me about their IF and adoption process, and overall it was a great conversation. He was incredibly supportive about everything we've gone through, and it's nice to have someone in authority know and understand what I'm dealing with.

It was the first nice experience related to TTTC/IF I've had in a while. Nice. I can't remember the last time I used that word.

Random Fridays

It's been a while. And this blog is getting kind of depressing. I thought I would see if I could lighten up for a few minutes and offer up some rambling thoughts that may be, at least a little bit, somewhat entertaining.

1. Why are blue and black the gold-standards of ink pens? I know they come in a lot of different colors, but why mainly blue and black? I think it would have been cool if green and purple had more of a chance when this decision was made.

2. I like snakes but abhor spiders. I think it has to do with the number of legs. I personally don't think anything needs more than six, and snakes have none.

3. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus wasn't nearly as good as I expected it to be. And don't get me wrong, I expected it to be cheesy. I just hoped it was going to be good cheesy, not poke-my-eyeballs-out-with-a-spork cheesy.

4. Speaking of sporks (a favorite topic on this blog, as my long-time readers can attest), did you know there's a growing faction supporting the word "foon" as an alternative name for the spork? I like the feel of the word, but it's lacking the hard "k" sound which makes me think of the pointy ends of the spork. Personally, I think it's too much spoon, not enough fork.

I think that's all I have in me. I hope that was random enough for ya!