Maybe I knew all along

When I was getting ready to have my surgery, everyone kept telling me, "It will all be worth it. This is what's going to get you your baby!" I kept telling them, "This surgery isn't about my fertility; it's about my health. The infertility is really secondary at this point."

Well, it turns out I was right. The surgery didn't fix a damn thing. Apparently the Stage IV endometriosis has just done a pretty little tap dance all over my ovaries, and there's nothing left. The doc did an antral follicle count yesterday, and I have zero. To put that into perspective, you generally have to have at least ten to even qualify for an IVF cycle.

Doc immediately started talking donor eggs, but I don't think I want to go there. Honestly, I already have a child that's half J's and half someone else's. We may not get to spend as much time with my stepdaughter as we would like, but she's very much a part of my heart. I don't see spending upwards of $25,000 (or more) for a *chance* at a baby that's not biologically mine, just so I can have the privilege of being pregnant.

I think it might be time for us to talk about adoption. Or maybe we give up altogether. Buy J his new truck, redo the kitchen, take fabulous vacations. Hope for a miracle.

Looks like I'm actually that woman. That one who can't have kids.

Huh.

Mock transfer and SIS

Well, as of Wednesday, I officially met my $4200 insurance deductible for the year, so I thought I'd celebrate! How, you ask? By having an expensive procedure that won't be covered!

I'm only covered for diagnostic IF issues, not treatments of any kind. So, Monday I'm having my mock transfer and SIS in preparation for an IVF cycle. Out of pocket. Fun! We haven't met with the financial counselor yet, so I have no idea what this is going to cost. The old me would have had a breakdown of the costs of everything before I set foot in the office. The new me realizes that this has to happen, and it's not like I'm going to shop around for a bargain (I wouldn't trade my RE for anything in the world), so it is what it is.

New truck for J? On hold. Kitchen remodel? On hold. Life in general? On hold.

I think back to the good old days, when I bitched about a $90 prescription for antibiotics I had to take before my HSG. Oh, I giggle at that little innocent that I was way back in, what was it, June?

The real irony is we're going to pay for this with money left to me by my grandmother. The really strict Southern Baptist one who would roll over in her grave if she knew her money was being spent on reproductive technology that is from.the.devil.

I guess if we get knocked up as a result, I could always name the baby after her. Except that I'm already named for her, and that would be just weird. Flojat, Jr? Doesn't quite have the right ring to it. Besides, I shouldn't be counting my embryos before they hatch.

Naps and Hospital Bills

Here I am, trying to be a real person today. First full day back at work, and I'm already tired at 9:15 in the morning. I'm really not sure what's going on – I've been doing so well through this whole thing, and now I've been absolutely exhausted for the last two days and want to do nothing but lay in bed all day.

I'm sure it's all part of the healing process, but I'm ready to be done already. I want my energy level back! My enthusiasm! My ability to sleep between the hours of 11pm and 7am! Is that too much to ask?

On a completely unrelated note, I got my insurance statement for my surgery. My one-day stay in the hospital – not counting the surgeon, anesthesiologist, assistant, etc. – just the stay – was billed at somewhere around $50,000. I say somewhere, because they've apparenty tried to bill it three times, for between $45,000 and $54,000. Of course the insurance company doesn't allow them to bill that much, and the actual amount paid will be much lower, but that is just absolutely ludicrous for a 33-hour hospital stay, in my opinion.

The whole thing's only going to cost us around $1,000 out-of-pocket, and then we've met our deductible for the year. I told J this is the time to see a doctor if he needs to, 'cause it's free until January 1!

Back to work

I'm here half days this week, and should be back full time next week! It's nice to be back in the real world, where pajama pants and tee shirts aren't considered acceptable attire. Where brushing my hair is not optional. Where I don't have a lazy pupper dog looking at me with her big browns wanting to go chase lizards on the patio every twenty minutes or so.

We're definitely moving on to IVF, whether we're ready for it or not. As soon as my body gets back to doing it's thing, I'll start cycle day testing and a mock transfer. Yikes! Doc gives us a 40% chance of it working the first time; I know those aren't bad odds when it comes to the reproductive gamble, but there's no way I'd go drop $15,000 in Vegas on a horse with those kind of odds! It's funny how your perspective (and ability for rational thought) changes (disappears?) when it comes to getting pregnant.

Holy crap. If this works, I could actually be knocked up by the end of the year!

I'm a slacker

I thought being stuck at home would make me better on the whole blogging thing. And that I would have oodles of time to watch movies and read books. No such luck.

I'm not sure where my time goes. Well, today I do. I've spent an ungodly amount of time on Live Chat with various Comcast representatives who are apparently completely incapable of making my On Demand or HBO channels work. What I would like to be doing is laying on the couch actually partaking of these digital wonders. Sigh.

I am working from home now, which is nice. I go back to the Dr. next Wednesday, and hope that he will clear me to drive and go back to work, at least part time. I'm supposed to be on house arrest for four weeks, but I'm doing so insanely well that I can't imagine he's going to enforce that. I hope.

I think I'm going to go pop in a DVD and pretend my cable's working. Maybe Comcast should start spending less money advertising how great their services are and more on actually getting the services to work.