Wednesday, March 11, 2009

No cliffhangers

I've been reading a lot of blogs recently, and some of them have a common characteristic that drives me nuts. Either the author talks about something that's going to happen in the near future and promises a follow-up that never comes, or refers to something in the past that wasn't discussed in the blog, and there ends up being a gap in the narrative. Of course, I only really notice it when I've discovered a new blog and am reading several months of entries at a time catching up on a stranger's story.

For some reason this bothers me. So, on the off chance that someone's reading this post in 2011 and is wondering why it's been a month and I haven't posted about my grandma again, I guess I should suck it up and deal with it now. After my last post, I really needed to post a follow-up, and I wasn't sure how.

My grandma passed away February 18. She lived a long life, and I hope it was a happy life. I know she appreciated having her family around her in her last days, but she was ready to go. Her health had failed her, and her quality of life was completely gone. We were ready to say goodbye, and she died peacefully in her sleep, which is all any of us can really ask for.

I had a complicated relationship with my grandma. We shared the same name, but we were never particularly close. Or, I should say, we were as close as we could be given her personality. She had trouble showing or telling the people close to her that she loved them. I truly believe she did love me, it was just hard growing up without the cookie-baking, book-reading, coming-to-your-school-play kind of grandma.

(Sidenote: My other grandmother was actually cruel in a mentally unhealthy kind of way, so I was a little lacking in the grandparent department growing up. Both of my grandfathers died before I was old enough to remember them.)

So, grandma was the closest I came to having a real "grandparent/grandchild" relationship, and sometimes it hurt. For example, she didn't come to my wedding. She had a hundred excuses, but I'm firmly convinced that she didn't come because:

a) I was marrying a (whisper) Catholic! (Who was Divorced! With a CHILD!)
b) I wasn't getting married in a church.
c) I had the audacity to have alcohol at my reception.

I was her youngest of three grandchildren, and she didn't come to my wedding. She never met my husband. Or my gorgeous stepdaughter.

But I tried really hard to let go of all of this when I went to see her the weekend before she died. I mean, when you're hugging your dying grandmother, it seems kind of petty to hold grudges about something that happened almost five years ago.

She told me she loved me the last time I saw her. I guess I just have to hold on to that.


Ro said...

Jat, I'm sorry for your loss and that your relationship with your grandmother was so strained. I'm glad she finally told you she loved you, though, even if it took her your lifetime to get the courage.


Shannon said...

So you dissapear from blog world for a month and come back with this huge tear jerker :)

In all seriousness, thank you for sharing that part of your life with us- your loyal blog readers. Im sorry you didnt have the ideal relationship with your grandma and Im sorry that she didnt get to know your husband and step daughter. Its sad that she didnt get to fully understand what a kind, well-spoken, thoughtful person you are.

Love is funny. It never looks exactly how we think it will look. Im glad she said I love you before she passed, I know she meant it!

gringa78 said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Flo. I didn't have lovey-dovey relationships with my grandmothers either, or with my mother for that matter, so I understand where you're coming from.

By the way, you're a beautiful writer.

Kerri said...

I am so sorry about your Grandma. It sounds like the relationship was complicated but in the end you did what was right be going to see her and I hope you are happy for that. Love you!

♥RedRose101307♥ said...

oh flo, you just have to go and make me cry! i'm so sorry for your loss. losing a grandparent is tough, no matter how close you were or weren't through your life. i'm so glad she told you she loved you, who wouldn't you're awesome sweetie!

Carly said...

kat- i am crying with you, grieving with you, and hugging you virtually. I am so so so very sorry for your loss- we love you and so did your grandma. ((( HUGS )))