The boys can swim

Well, it took two weeks and six phone calls, but I finally got my husband's SA results. Normal. It's the first good news we've gotten in this whole process. I can breathe a big sigh of relief, but I also feel unexpectedly guilty.

I know I'm six years older than he is, and a woman's age has much more impact on fertility anyway, so honestly it's not shocking that I'm the problem. But it does make me feel bad, in some "I know there's nothing I can do about it, but I still feel like crap" kind of way.

He keeps reminding me that we're in this together. I'm very lucky to have him. And I know I wouldn't blame him had things turned out differently.

I am just going to focus on the fact that we only have to fix me, and we're lucky in that respect. I know there are a lot of couples out there dealing with IF on both sides, and they would be thrilled to get a Normal on an SA.

Now if I can just give his swimmers something to aim for, we might be in business!

The Need to Clean

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am not, by nature, a Susie Spotless at home. My method of cleaning revolves around inviting guests to our home just often enough so that I have to clean before the entire house lists sideways from the amount of clutter and slides into the neighbor's swimming pool.

And if I haven't done a deep cleaning in a really long time, I make sure to invite my parents for the weekend. Because "Mom Clean" is an actual adjective in our household, and there's nothing else like it.

Fortunately, my husband and I seem to have about the same tolerance for clutter and cleanliness, which means neither one of us gets freaked out before we break down and straighten up around the house.

The funny thing is, I always insist that the house is clean before we have guests. So everyone we know (I'm not talking to you, Josh and Brian) thinks we really are Neatnicks. What they don't know won't hurt 'em, right?

Anyway, I'm on a cleaning/purging/organizing/get-rid-of-everything-in-the-house-that-we-haven't-used-in-the-last-17-days kind of mood. For crying out loud, I borrowed a book on how to organize from my mom. A book. On how to organize.

And -- wait for it -- I even bought a paper shredder!

Now if I can just find a anti-shedding full body suit for the dog, I'll be happy.

Insult to injury

So, I'm told by my doctor to come in for blood work on day three of my cycle, and that he wants to see me when I come in. I called this morning on my way in to work to schedule said appointment. To make a long story short, it was rather difficult to make the appointment, and I had to do things like explain why it was important that I come in on day three rather than day five, as the receptionist/scheduler so kindly offered as an alternative.

I finally get an appointment, and as I'm sitting in the office waiting to be seen, I hear the same woman calling all of the next day's appointments leaving reminders. One patient obviously answers the phone, and the next thing I hear is the scheduler bending over backward to accommodate her. "No, you tell me what works best for YOU! Really! We can make whatever work!" It caught my interest because it was the complete polar opposite of the phone call I had had a few hours earlier. Then I hear the scheduler say, "Well, I try to be flexible with those of you who are pregnant. I know how difficult it can be for you to come in."

WTF?

I really like my doctor (and his proximity to my office), but the scheduler/phone answerer person is really starting to get on my nerves.

Dodge the Doctor

As an adult, I have made a career out of avoiding doctors. If it didn't hurt or wasn't bleeding, I didn't go. As a child, I was allergic to everything except plastic, so was constantly in either the allergist's office getting poked with a needle, or in the pediatrician's office dealing with the bronchial problems that occurred when exposed to an allergen.

Oh, and then there were the multiple trips to the ophthalmologist over the years due to a retina injury and a corneal injury.

And of course there were the run-of-the-mill trips to the ER for potential concussions thanks to things like new tap shoes or neighbor boys with overzealous Big Wheel skills.

Anyway, by the time I hit the age of majority, I was done. On the upside, I stopped injuring myself with such regularity and outgrew my allergies. And with the exception of a few trips to dermatologists in an attempt to get a handle on my eczema, I brought a halt to my unpleasantly excessive visits to the people in white.

I now realize my life is moving forward in 18-year segments. First 18, doctors forced upon me. Second 18, avoided them like the plague. And now, entering my third 18-year segment, I'm apparently entering the "go to the doctor of my own free will" stage. And it's weird.

If you had told me five years ago that I would be making elective doctors' appointments that are resulting in things like CT scans, Hysterosalpingograms, endless blood tests and potential surgeries, I would have told you you were crazy.

It's amazing what we'll do to get pregnant, isn't it?

I just hope I end up with a kid that I can torture with endless doctors' appointments for the first 18 years of her life.

Routine Fridays

Since I'm getting fairly good at the Random thing, I figured it's become routine. Mostly I just wanted to shake up my "recent posts" list, as it's completely full of these things. Anyway, on with the show.

1) It appears as though we're going to Hawaii in about ten weeks. I figure if I can lose two pounds a week, I might actually feel up to putting on a swimsuit by then!

2) Sugar-free Jolly Rancher: 8.5 calories. One Twizzler stick: 35 calories. One bite-sized (not fun-sized) Heath Bar: 40 calories. Quitting smoking is not going to help with #1 above.

3) Does the inventor of the sock monkey have their own Wikipedia page?

4) Why are most acceptable finger nail polish colors in the red/pink family? Why not yellow or green?

5) Do you have a favorite acronym? I think mine's scuba. (Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus, in case you were wondering.)

Day 4

By my count, I've already not smoked 77 cigarettes that I would have smoked had I not quit on Monday. That number should be 78, but I cheated and smoked one of my husband's Tuesday night. Not his fault, I just made the mistake of thinking I could go ahead and enjoy a glass of wine (or two) while cooking dinner without breaking down and wanting a cigarette. Apparently I was wrong.

So, one Marlboro Red later (ick, I know why they call them cowboy killers), I realized that not only am I quitting smoking, I'm quitting drinking -- at least in the short term. Not bad timing, considering I'm stepping things up in the doctor/testing department in regards to getting myself knocked up, so it's really a win/win situation.

I had always told myself that if I hadn't managed to do it before then, the day I found out I was pregnant would be the day I quit smoking for good. Obviously, it's better to do so beforehand, but there's a reason they call it an addiction. Anyway, I'm going to make it this time. It's not the first time I've tried to quit, but it's the first time I'm going without a crutch. This time it's not the patch, or a pill, or laser therapy that's keeping me from smoking. It's my willpower.

And if I know one thing from experience, it's that I'm one stubborn bitch when I want to be. Take that, R.J. Reynolds. I'm done with you.

Random Fridays (again)

Wow. I was really bad this week! Two randoms in a row. Gonna have to make up for it now.

1) Why is it fashionably acceptable for fingernails to be long but not toenails?

2) Why do women shave their armpits but men don't? (And don't tell me it's because men are supposed to be hairy because it's a symbol of their virility while women appear more feminine with less hair. I dare you to look at a man's pit with deodorant caked all up in there and tell me there's anything sexy about it.)

3) I wonder all the time about the first person to try a food. For example, how hungry was the first dude that pulled a lobster out of the ocean and decided it was worth a try? Artichokes? Who figured out that you had to take all those little hairy things out to keep from choking? What about peanuts? Do you think an ancient civilization used to use them for dice or fertility rattles or something, and then one day the village clutz accidentally stepped on one and broke it open? And decided to eat the little chunks that fell out?

4) What would life be like today if we had decided to domesticate hippos and giraffes instead of wolves and tigers?

5) Do you think it's easier to be blind from birth, or to have your eyesight and lose it later in life?

6) (There's six this week. Not five. Or four. Six!) I would love to see the world the way Picasso saw it, just for one day.

Random Fridays

1. Why do flip flops make two different noises when you walk? I guess it's a good thing, 'cause it would be weird to wear something called flip flips.

2. How long do watermelons last in the fridge? (Hope it's a long time, or I have one I have to throw away.)

3. I wish there were someplace you could donate trees. I need to have one taken out of my backyard because it's getting too big and growing into/over the house but I hate to kill it.

4. I don't know why I feel like there should be five of these each week. So this week I'm stopping at four. And this one doesn't really count, but I don't care.